Joyful In Hope

heading where no man has gone before...

2012-02-10T13:03:00.000-08:00

No, this post isn't about Star Trek, although I do enjoy a good episode or two. And the movies are generally pretty good too. No, this is about today, which is going to be a big day in the lives of the Grofreeppley family. That's the Gross, Freeby, Peppleys - in case you were wondering. That would be the Matt & Alissa Peppley (us), Randy & Cathy Freeby (Alissa's parents), Matthew & Kim Freeby (Alissa's brother and sister-in-law), and Jason and Katie Gross (Alissa's sister and brother-in-law) families. Also, this day will likely be noted by lots of other people in our extended families.

You may ask yourself why, and that is okay. It's not because today marks the 65th day since our sweet little Anna Joy was born. Nor is it because it's the weekend before Katie's 30th birthday (sorry Katie...or should I say Happy Birthday?), nor is it because we are heading into uncharted territory. You see, today marks the day that Matthew and Kim are having their 3rd little baby girl (heretofore and henceforth known as "Junior") delievered via caesar salad section.

Alissa & Kim a few days before Anna was born.

Well, we are kinda heading into uncharted territory, at least for us. The big question for all of us, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. is how are we supposed to react to this beautiful baby? I'm assuming she's beautiful anyway...most babies (in my opinion) are not pretty, but their first two were pretty cute, so I'm betting number three will be as well. Anyway -- none of us know what to do. Do we sing for joy at the birth of Junior, or do we weep with sorrow at the passing of Anna? Or do we do both? If so, how do you mix joy with sorrow? You see, those two things don't typically mix well. They're kinda like water and oil. Well, not exactly. Water and oil don't mix at all. But joy and sorrow do mix, albeit not that well.

We in the Grofreeppley household have had many discussions over the last few days about this very topic. And there have been lots of tears sitting in the corners of eyes during the conversations. You see, we all miss Anna, but we also can't wait to meet Junior. But how are we going to react? Who knows?

Last night Matthew and I were discussing today's event while we stood in the parking lot at Wal-Mart. Not your typical place for a meaningful conversation, but sometimes you can't choose the ideal locale, so there we were. Both of us wanted to say something to the other, but neither of us knew what to say! From my standpoint, I wanted to tell him to not worry about being happy and joyful for Junior's arrival. From his standpoint, he wanted to tell me to not worry if Alissa and I feel like we can't be around because of too much pain. But then, neither of us felt like that was adequate for what both of us as c0-fathers and c0-brother-in-laws are having to deal with. But the point is that we, as well as the rest of the family, feel like we don't really know what to say to each other.

But we are all trying to be cognizant of each other's feelings. Matthew and I decided that while there must be people out there that have gone through similar situations, we don't know anyone who has had a granddaughter/daughter/niece/cousin/sister born and die eleven days later, and then have a granddaughter/daughter/niece/cousin/sister born about two months later. Crazy! That's what this is. Just plain crazy!

The point of this is this: we will miss Anna Joy a lot today. But we will be extremely pleased to meet Junior (whatever her name will be...) and will be filled with joy. And when I say "we," I mean all of the Grofreeppley household.

By the way, when Anna's Aunt Kim held her on the day she died (Anna died, not Kim...), baby Junior jumped as soon as Anna was placed on Kim's belly. And Junior continued to jump and jump and jump. So we all think that Anna and Junior have a very special connection. Grami Cathy has pictured the two of them giving high fives on their way past each other - Anna going to heaven and Junior coming!

Auntie Kim holding Anna while "Junior" jumps.
Very powerful moment!

Oh, Junior's here now. I think we're going to go see her and cry. A lot.

Song released!

2012-02-07T14:38:00.000-08:00

God gave beautiful words and melody to our friend, Kathy Kerber, before Anna Joy was born. This song, originally titled "Little One (For Anna Joy)" immediately touched the hearts of myself and my family, and we'd often sing it over Anna and hummed it to ourselves throughout the journey. It will forever be very, very special to us.

Kathy graciously let me record a version for Anna's memorial service that was played during the slideshow. Special thanks to John Burch for his time and resources put into that recording at his studio just a few days before the service.

I had the opportunity to be part of another recording process at Matt Kees' studio on January 8th, one month exactly from Anna's birthday. In this recording, Kathy Kerber performs the lead vocals, and my voice is heard in the harmony, background vocals, and one short solo part toward the end. It was very difficult for me to get anything out. I broke down in tears during my second time through when the 2nd verse says,
Little one, my heart could not love you more...

The lyrics are truly amazing - only God could've given Kathy such insight into my heart's desires and feelings for my Anna girl.

"Safe In His Hands"

Verse 1
Little one, I can hardly wait to meet you
To hold your tiny hand in my own
To see you open your eyes and know the color that God chose

Little one, our time on this earth may be short
We're only guaranteed His love
So I pray you would always know the Father's gentle touch

Chorus:
You are safe in His hands
And though my tears fall like rain
Though I don't understand
God is real, He is love
You're already a part of His marvelous plan
And all I need to know
Is you are safe in His hands

Verse 2
Little one, how I've imagined what we'll share
I can almost see your smile
What a miracle you are, my precious little child

Little one, my heart could not love you more
I would give my life for you
And though these arms long to hold you close
It's God you belong to

(Chorus)

Bridge
Who am I to claim you for my own?
It was God who knit you together
And if the arms to enfold you are not my own
I will rest in what I know

(Chorus)

All I need to know
Is you are safe in His hands

All I can ever know
Is you are safe in His hands

You are safe

Kathy and I at the recording studio

It is now available for purchase from iTunes (and will soon be from some other venues such as Amazon On Demand, Amazon MP3, Spotify, Zune, and Rhapsody). Click the following link to view it in iTunes:

http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/safe-in-his-hands-feat.-alissa/id500892722

Special thanks to our friend, Daniel Slocum, for organizing the logistics and getting the song "out there". He also designed the song's artwork.

Thank you all for your continued support, love and prayers. We are hitting some rough waves on our journey of grief. We miss Anna so much!

We hope this song ministers to your heart, especially other families who will walk similar paths we have. May it bring more glory to Jesus Christ who is worthy of all praise, and point more people to Him through declaring that, truly, we are all "Safe In His Hands".

"Every Falling Tear"

2012-02-03T23:39:00.000-08:00

I've been weeping through this album lately. It's by Matt Hammitt, lead singer from Sanctus Real, whose son was born with HLHS (one of the same defects Anna had). View their website at bowensheart.com.

Check out this one called "Trust":

Even in the darkness
Even in the questions
Even when the hardest times of life are at hand

Even in the darkness
Even in the questions
Even in the times when I'm not meant to understand

Not meant to understand. Hmmm...
These aren't easy words to say. Trusting in these times is a sacrifice of praise.
Please, friends, remind me of His goodness. Tell me of His love. Show me the light.

* * *

This one on the same album called "Little Light" is by Audrey Assad, and fits Anna so well. Many of the lines express thoughts and conversations we had around Anna (how I saw Jesus bend and love her through my tummy before she was born, how it seemed Anna was looking at "someone" when she first opened her eyes after surgery, how angels were attending her, how she's been such a LIGHT for Christ... etc...) Simply beautiful!

Thankful

2012-01-30T18:39:00.000-08:00

Just a short post to say that I'm thankful for the many blessings in my life. Even though I have had headaches for weeks, now have a cold, and struggle with other health issues (not to mention lost my baby girl not long ago)... God is shedding light on my days and showing me things for which to be thankful.

These light pink carnations were given to us 4 weeks ago at Anna's memorial service. They are just now about done - the last of her flowers, and my favorite. They have been a heartwarming reminder of her delicate beauty.

Last night I air-popped some corn and watched a fun movie with Matt. It was nice to sit, snack and laugh while cuddled up on the couch. My husband is such a blessing. Just his touch on my shoulder can calm me through.

Today, my focus has been largely on my son. Isaac is 22 months old, filling our home with new words every day in his toddler voice, running all over, and pointing out the beauty in simple things. I love his laugh, and I can't put enough kisses on his sweet cheeks. I am blessed to be home with him. Today we got to blow bubbles outside, read several books, play with many toys, and laugh together.

A special delivery came today from my friends & coworkers at Art 'n Soul. It's a collage in celebration and memory of Anna Joy. Each of them filled a few of the sections of the tray in their own style. My heart is touched by their creativity, time, and love put into it.

Take time to see blessings in your day. Through art, the people around you, or a cherished memory...

by the way...

2012-01-26T22:09:00.000-08:00

I got just one little, teensy weeny problem with this whole thing. See, Alissa has gotten all kinds of jewelry to remember Anna. Braclets and necklaces and charms and beads and this and that and all other forms of smarmy parmy remember-y things.

Well? What about me? One penant. That's it. And yes, I wear it everyday, thank you very much.

And, in case you don't really know me, let me tell you that if I were saying this out loud, and you were listening to me, you would first look at me with a mortified look, until you saw the smile the erupted across my face a the end of the last sentance, and then you would realize that I was really joking. Then you would give me a courtesey laugh, or a timid smile, or a cursory grin, or, a glare of death. Whichever suited your mood at the moment.

That was all. Just that one thought. Love you all. Oh, and thanks for the cards. We're still getting them and loving them lots.

It's Cold

2012-01-24T20:43:00.000-08:00

(This is Alissa. I wrote this January 19th when the power was out, so couldn't post then...)

We’re covered in snow and ice in Olympia, WA. The cold combined with power-outages has presented a new aspect of grief to me today. It’s kind of an eery feeling that brings additional emptiness. Things are dark, shut-down, damaged, quiet, buried, unsure, paused, heavy. Maybe these circumstances bring a new emptiness because all of the words I just used to describe our town resonate with my spirit right now.

My fragile newborn girl died one month ago. One month. “The 19th” will probably bring varied emotions related to Anna’s passing for the rest of my life. It seems so very long ago, yet my body, mind, and heart ache like it was yesterday. If you haven’t experienced death close to you, you can’t understand how weird it is to breathe in someone’s spirit one moment, then try to grasp how it is suddenly gone the next. Wait... she was just breathing, looking around, making facial expressions two seconds ago... she can’t be gone! Her imperfect little heart was still fighting to beat longer than the medical staff expected. But it stopped. And some things in my spirit stopped with it. Babies aren’t supposed to die before their parents.

* * *

(I wrote this just now...)

Thank you for continuing to read this blog. Thank you for praying, sending cards, and sharing how Anna's life has touched yours. All of these lift us a bit higher and carry us through another blurred, exhausting day.

I'm still struggling with migraines and stomach aches. Please pray that we figure these things out so I can take care of my husband & son like I need to, spend time with friends, let myself grieve properly, etc. Matt has a cold again, and he doesn't usually get sick very often. We spent 4 nights at my parents' house this week while the power was out. Theirs was too, but they had a generator kicking heat out from the gas fireplace, and hot water. It wasn't too bad, really. We managed just fine, but it is good to be in our own home again. Praise God: I have had small breaks from the migraines off and on a couple of times this week, so I actually folded laundry, put dishes away, and swept the kitchen floor.

Speaking of the kitchen floor...

Today I was making dinner (another task I haven't done in months!) and started crying while listening to a song that hit me. It was "Stars Will Fall" by Aaron Shust:

When there's no breath in my lungs to scream

When there's no strength left inside of me

When there's no light that my eyes can see

I will say Your name

And stars will fall like rain

All the heavens and the earth will start to shake

Every mountain will be moved and cast away

At the mention of Your name

When hope is a long lost friend

And the broken that was meant to bend

Lift the wounds that will never mend

I will say Your name

JESUS!

I cry JESUS!

I leaned on the kitchen counter as I cried, and Isaac immediately knew. He notices when I cry, and is quite sensitive and loving when I do. I sat down on the floor and let the tears come. Why didn't you move mountains for Anna, God? I cried out Your name so many times before and after she was born, believing you could. What stars did you make fall? Did the heavens and earth shake? I was sure hoping they would for my little girl. Why do other babies get better and get to go home? God, my hands feel so empty...

Isaac climbed into my lap as I cried, and just stayed there. Every few seconds he sweetly said, "Mommy?" like he wanted to help but wasn't sure how. He knew I needed comfort.

Most of the time I feel I'm trying to figure out whether I need to cry, laugh, scream, punch a wall, or run away. I'm so glad God carries me moment-by-moment, and gets me through when I never figure out which one I need.

Like the song lyrics above, I feel like there's no breath in my lungs to scream, no strength left, and it's very hard to see the light most of the time. I believe I will eventually. And even now I get glimpses. But it's been awfully cold lately.

And yet...

I still cry out His name. There is power in the name of Jesus. I can't see what He's doing, all the ways He's moving... but I call to Him - cry to Him - run to Him - sing to Him... and I know He is with me, even when I can't feel it.

The beginning of this post is a portion of what I wrote on the 19th. My flip calendar displays this quote by Gloria Gaither for that day:

God walks with us... He scoops us up in His arms

or simply sits with us in silent strength until we

cannot avoid the awesome recognition that yes,

even now, He is here.

I can't avoid recognizing that Jesus is present. I'm wounded and beaten down. But as I look back on the past 2 months, although the memories are a blur, I see Him doing all of those things mentioned in the quote above. He has walked with us, held us in His arms, and sat with us in "silent strength". He got us through those stressful, scary days, and He'll get us through those ahead.

Maybe God's "mountain-moving" in Anna's story is a million miracles I can't see.

It's been a long time...

2012-01-15T21:23:00.000-08:00

Hello again. I have to apologize, since it's been so long since I've written anything on this blog. The truth is, I've sat down numerous times in the last couple of weeks to write something, but while I get onto the blog to read your comments, I never get to the page to enter a new post. Why? I don't know. Maybe I'm scared. But really, I don't want to think about why I haven't written. There definitely has not been a lack of material. On the contrary, every day things happen that I find myself thinking about how I could blog them. But...I never get here.

So, now I am. There are too many incidences that have occurred since my last posting to post here. As such, I'll try to remember a few. I think I'll start with some more recent things. Maybe I'll get to go backwards into this last week, or even further. Who knows. We'll see how far back I can go. Without making this post long enough to publish as a novella, that is.

Tonight we had dinner at Chris and Mendy's house with most of Alissa's family. Mendy's mom was there too. As an intro, Chris and Mendy are two great people who have been friends with Alissa's parents for a long time. Their children were roughly the same ages as Alissa and her siblings, so they all grew up knowing each other quite well. Chris and Mendy love to host dinners at their wonderful home. They have a very large dining room table that can seat well over a dozen. And they love to dabble in gourmet type cooking so meals are quite spectacular. They also like to put little cards under everyone's dinner plate, and sometime during the evening, everyone has to answer the question on the card. It's typically a very fun and engaging dinner.

Anyway - that's where we were. Randy (Alissa's dad, for those of you who don't remember...), was asked something along the lines of what he respects most about his dad. Randy answered the question, but while he was doing so, I couldn't help think about what I respected most about my dad. Randy stated he respected - among quite a few things - how his dad is a very engaging person, and is very comfortable making other people feel comfortable. My dad was very similar in that regards, so it was easy for me to relate to what Randy talked about.

I also thought about how over the years, I often asked myself "what did dad (and mom...) do to make all of us kids turn out to be at least half-way decent people?" I often didn't have an answer. Randy, in his response to the above-mentioned question, said that he found the older he got the more he realized how many things he respected about his father. Likewise, I have done the same in answering my ongoing question. In the last couple of years, a lot of those answers have come just by being a father myself.

That being said, with all that has happened with Anna, I have never missed my dad more. Or, I guess I should say I have never missed Pops more. That is, after all, what I called him most of the time. Pops. Such and endearing term. To me, "Pops" says so much more than "Dad." Anyone can be a dad, and any dad can be good or bad. But I have yet to meet someone who is called Pops that has been a bad dad. Therefore, Pops = good dad. Aaaaannnd - I get off on a another tangent. Where was I? Missing Pops.

Did I mention somewhere else on this blog about him passing away? Well, if I didn't, know that he did, about five or six years ago, after a bout with leukemia. While there have been lots of times over the years that I have missed him, I haven't missed him as acutely as I have since we found out that Anna had her heart defects. While he never lost his any of his own children, he lost a lot of siblings, and his mother and father. So he was no stranger to grief. And while none of his children ever had any major medical issues, he had a quiet and simple faith in God that always seemed to come out. And, he always seemed to know what to say. Plus, he gave good hugs. Nice, big, strong, hold-you-tight-for-just-the-right-amount-of-time hugs. Man o man, I miss those hugs.

Speaking of Dad's hugs, the day that Anna died, Alissa's parents, siblings (and spouses), and some others were there from her side of the family. My mom and Pete, my oldest brother, were there from my side, but since my other two brothers live in Idaho and my sister lives in Spokane, they weren't able to get over. Anyway (geez - enough sidetracks already!), in the moments after Anna passed, I don't really remember many specifics. I remember holding Anna's body, and I remember sobbing over it. I was told later that I wailed. I don't remember that, but it is certainly possible. Then, later as I went around giving and receiving hugs, Pete put his big, strong, arms around me and held me close, for just the right amount of time. In that moment, I felt as if my dad were hugging me through my brother's arms. I also knew that, at the same moment of my hug from Pete, my dad's arms were enfolding my little precious angel, Anna Joy. And he was welcoming her into heaven, telling her about all of the wonderful things that are there.

As I said in Anna's service, I am extremely jealous of my dad. He gets to be with Anna, and love on her like I would like to do. How I would love to be there too. I can't wait to get there. But apparently God still has something for me to do here. I'm not sure what, but I'm trying to figure it out as I go along. As the Apostle Paul says, "for to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain." That verse has been with me for a long time, and I have tried to implement that thought into my life. Anna has given me a new perspective on that thought though, and one day maybe I'll write about it. I have meditated often on that passage since Anna passed away. There are lots of thoughts bouncing around in my head, and I haven't got a full grasp on them yet, so the writing will have to wait a bit.

Well, this post has already taken on epic proportions, so I guess just one moment will have to do for now. I will say, however, that if you want another good read (and cry), check out babyjacobrondeau.blogspot.com. Andy and Katy have an incredible story too. Andy's recent post is quite heartfelt, and while we have only met in person twice, I know that he and I would be good (if not great...) friends. This couple is just one of the countless stories of triumph in pain that are out there. Andy and Katy, if either of you get to a point where you can find a few minutes to read this post (okay ten or fifteen, since I'm too lengthy...) know that Alissa and I are praying for you too. You guys are incredible.

By the way, every day Alissa and I eagerly await our postman (actually, I think she's technically a postwoman, but I hope I'm being PC by saying postman - you know, lady actresses call themselves actors now, too, right? Aaaaannd, another sidetrack...), hoping to get yet another sympathy card. There was one day this week, that for the first time since Anna died we did not get a card. We were both crestfallen. But the next day we got a couple more, and haven't missed any since. Thank you to all of you who continue to support us, pray for us, and generally love on us. We love you all too.

Good night, maybe I'll write again soon.

Sadness, Headaches, Balloons, Lessons

2012-01-10T20:49:00.000-08:00

I'm just going to continue to share my heart. I'm not good at pretending. So here it is. This is where I'm at...

The sadness has started to sink in more these past few days. This is really hard. This sadness is so deep. It is dark, confusing, and all-consuming. I'm learning it's called GRIEF.

I still believe in God and His goodness and perfect will. But I also believe that He can handle my disappointment, anger, confusion, and tears. I don't get why things turned out the way they have. I want my baby back. I miss her terribly. It's so hard to accept that we've really been through what we have.

I've been crying more lately. But I still haven't let myself really cry. The yelling, wailing, yearning-type cry that I long to let loose. I still hold it in. (Not sure why - maybe I've trained myself to hold it in for years.) My body needs to let it go - to exercise, to cry, find release. I'm worried that Isaac will be scared if he hears/sees me that way, or the neighbors will wonder. My whole body is tense, and my neck is sore. Maybe that's why I have such a bad headache... still...

Matt went back to work today. I'm concerned for both of us. Matt is grieving, too, of course. But we are grieving differently, and aren't sure how to help each other.

Saturday we gathered with my family and a few other friends to release 11 balloons as part of our celebration for Anna going to heaven. It was super cold, but turned out to be meaningful regardless. I spent time finding scripture verses about heaven the night before, which was so good for me.

Here are a few photos and the 11 scriptures we read:
1. "Look! I am creating new heavens and a new earth - so wonderful that no one will even think about the old ones anymore... And the sound of weeping and crying will be heard no more. No longer will babies die when only a few days old..." Isaiah 65:17-20

2. "There are many rooms in my Father's home, and I am going to prepare a place for you... when everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am." John 14:2-3

3. So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever. 2 Corinthians 4:18

4. ... we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. That's why we live by believing and not by seeing. Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. 2 Corinthians 5:6-8

5. Those who have been ransomed by the Lord will return to Jerusalem, singing songs of everlasting joy. Sorrow and mourning will disappear, and they will be overcome with joy and gladness. Isaiah 35:10

6. And they will see his face and his name will be written on their foreheads. And there will be no night there - no need for lamps or sun - for the Lord God will shine on them. And they will reign forever and ever. Revelation 22:4-5

7. Our bodies now disappoint us, but when they are raised, they will be full of glory. They are weak now, but when they are raised, they will be full of power. 1 Corinthians 15:43

8. God himself will be with them. He will remove all of their sorrows, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. For the old world and its evils are gone forever... Look, I am making all things new! Revelation 21:3-5

9. ... for I know the one in whom I trust, and I am sure that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until the day of his return. 2 Timothy 1:12

(It was harder than I thought it would be to let go of my balloon...)

10. Now we see things imperfectly as in a poor mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely... 1 Corinthians 13:12

11. He who is the faithful witness to all these things says, "Yes, I am coming soon!" Amen! Come, Lord Jesus! Revelation 22:20

My 5-yr-old niece made a special note for Anna from her heart-shaped notepad (the same niece who made the "celebration cake" - see previous post). It said:
You shine
I hop for joy
To Anna

***

I can't get this song out of my head. It's the special song written for Anna, "Safe in His Hands", by our friend Kathy Kerber. The chorus lyrics are...

You are safe in His hands
And though my tears fall like rain
Though I don't understand
God is real, He is love
You're already a part of His marvelous plan
And all I need to know
Is you are safe in His hands

My tears have been falling like rain - my face is often soaked. I had to ask myself again, "Do I really believe Anna is safe in God's hands?" As humans, made of flesh, it's hard to picture heaven - it's not tangible. My hands long to touch her again. I want to feel her. My body is still recovering from carrying her and delivering her. She was real, right? She really existed, right? I really gave birth and loved on my baby for 11 days, right? It doesn't feel real sometimes. But my aching heart and body tell me it did happen. I study photos to convince myself that it did. She was born, she went through surgery, I watched her lay in the hospital with tubes coming out of her - my beautiful girl - and then I lost her. Way too soon. This isn't supposed to happen! This isn't right! My heart screams these things. I cry out to God to help me survive, even though I'm mad at Him at the same time. I run to Him because it's all I know to do, yet my broken-heart reaction is to stiff-arm him.

All I can do is surrender my baby daughter to Jesus again... and again... and again...
Even if she was still here, the safest place for her would be in HIS hands. No one could love her more than Him - not even her mama. And I love her a lot. Her 11 days here on earth were full of major medical intervention. I couldn't care for her as my mothering instincts longed to; I couldn't keep her safe. So God keeps asking me to trust Him. Even now that she's gone. This may be the toughest lesson of all.

I am so sad. And I will be for a while. Joy doesn't equal happiness. Joy doesn't mean things are OK. Joy doesn't mean the absence of sadness or pain. Joy means there is something bigger going on, and God knows what it is. Even though I hate my circumstances, I can choose to trust that God sees and knows the answers to my questions - and He'll get me through... somehow... until I join Him (and Anna) someday.

I believe He loves Anna. I believe He loves me. Love doesn't always feel good.

This is going to hurt. I hate that it is my reality. I don't want it to be real. I want to rewind several weeks and see the outcome change. I want to hear Anna cry. I want to see her in the cradle. I want to touch her soft brown hair on her warm head - wash it, kiss it, smell it... instead of just looking at a few locks that were cut and put in a baggie after she died.

Please continue to lift us up in prayer. We won't survive without it. Pray for healing of our broken hearts, comfort in our pain... for hope to be reachable, and for darkness & depression to stay away. Pray for strength for the next task, courage for the next step, and sensitivity to be kind to each other.

Song News and Celebration Cake

2012-01-03T16:17:00.000-08:00

There will be a professional recording of "Little One (for Anna Joy)" or "Safe In His Hands" coming available within the next couple of months. Keep watching for information on how to obtain your own copy.

Thanks again for all of your prayers. We still need them as we continue to navigate the loss of Anna, and are forced to re-enter the real world soon... even though our hearts and minds are protesting. Our home is filled with pink flowers and plants since the service. They are beautiful, and remind me of Anna's sweet, delicate life. But the flowers will fade and wilt, although my memory and love for Anna will not.

Here is a photo of the "celebration cake" my 5-year-old niece, Alivia, had the idea to make for Anna because we're happy she got to go to heaven. She wanted to cut it in half, and then put it back together because Anna now has a whole heart. So sweet! We plan to release the 11 pink balloons we had at the memorial sometime soon to represent releasing Anna to heaven (yesterday turned out to be too stormy).

Matt and I are still overwhelmed by your support, and thank God for blessing us with your prayers, encouragement, and friendship.

I think...

2012-01-01T22:43:00.000-08:00

After all of this time, I think I finally figured out how to post a post under my own name, and not under my wife's. Aaaaannnnd - lo and behold! it was simpler than cooking a can of tomato soup. Go figure...Oh, well, live and learn, right?

Well, I wanted to come back and give you some more info on Anna's service. Alissa is hanging out with her family while I'm home with Isaac, who is safe and sound in bed, sleeping quietly and cozily. Isn't that a fun word? Cozily. Anyway...here I am. I'm figuring Liss will show up here pretty soon, and hopefully I won't be distracted too much when and if she does.

I'm still amazed at how incredible Anna's service was. There was lots of sniffling, tear falling, mascera running, and even a bit of sobbing here and there. My little nephew, Drew (age 7 or 8 or something like that...), apparently started sobbing during Anna's slideshow. How sweet is that?!?!

By the way, the slideshow was an awesome tear-jerker. Did we mention the song that was written by a fellow church member? I think so, but if not, I'm sure I'll hear about it and we'll have to explain. Well, Alissa pre-recorded the song, and used it during the slideshow. Yes, it was pretty amazing that she could get through the song at all, but she did. She'll say the recording wasn't that good, but since most of us are non-music geniuses, we wouldn't ever know the difference.

But I'm getting out of order...

Our pastor, Bill Bowers, opened the service by welcoming everyone and offered a prayer. Our good friend, Art, led everyone in a couple of songs. By the way, if you were at the service, you might remember Pastor Bill mentioning that the Freeby family (that's Alissa's side...) was very musical. He also mentioned that the Peppley's were not, which is pretty true. So don't think he was being mean, he was just being honest!

The tributes came next. My sister, Heidi, started them off with a kind of poem, where she and her sister-in-law took comments that Alissa and I had written on this blog. They then compiled them into a form of poem, and she read them off. That was pretty cool.

Pastor Dave then read his letter, which was already posted. So no need to retread that old path, right? And no, I'm not referring to Dave being old...

Next was my brother Joe, and he commented on putting on the full armor of God. Normally, he would have been the one to be a blubbering fool behind the podium. But for some odd reason, that fell to one of my other brothers, Tony, who came after Joe. The funny thing is that Tony started his tribute out by saying he thought he would be able to get through it easier if he just stuck with facts and figures. Well, he did, but he also got choked up quite a bit. Nice work, T.

I think Alissa's Uncle Doug came next. It's possible someone else was in there too, or I got someone out of order, but I'll let Alissa correct me if I'm wrong. And I'm having a blond moment, cuz I can't remember what he talked about specifically. It's possible it had something to do with how strong Alissa and I were through the whole ordeal. And - well - no one likes to hear their horn tooted, right? Well, except maybe celebrities and politicians. So I probably tuned out a little bit. But I digress...He also read a few words from his wife and one of his daughters. Regardless of what he said, it was special.

Anna's grandpa (affectionately known as Pabba...) got up and read a card that he gave to her on her birth day (as in the day of her birth, not birthday...). Pabba gives all of his grandchildren a nickname, and all of them have "bug" in them. For example, he calls Isaac Doodle-bug. Well, he reveals the nickname in the birth day card that he gives to the kids when they are born. So he let everyone know that he was to call Anna Bella-bug. Bella means beautiful. Yes, we all cried.

Alissa went next, and she poured out her heart to her little baby girl. I went last, and after I got done the crowd started to applaud. Since I'm a guy, and guys are all conceited, I initially thought they were applauding because mine was the best and most touching. I eventually realized that the applause was for everyone who had given a tribute. They all were spectacular, and all were so heart-felt that there wasn't one that was better than the rest.

...Meanwhile, Pastor Bill sat on a stool, perched kind of back and away in a far corner of the platform. I think he thought the tributes were going to be pretty quick, so why not stay there on the stage? Well, they weren't quick, so he just sat there and enjoyed watching the backs of our heads. Thank you, Bill.

Well, we all cut into his time too much, so he had to remove a lot of what he was prepared to say. However, his words were direct and full of passion. He spoke of how Anna came into this world with half a heart, but made a significant impact on this world just by simply being herself. Then he directed us all to consider how we are living our lives. Are we living whole-heartedly to God? Or are we living with just half a heart? Like I mentioned last night, I think his one quote summed up Anna's story and message to this world. It was certainly tragic that Anna was born with half a heart. But what is even more tragic is a person who is only half-heartedly living for God. He challenged us to consider our place in God's kingdom, and asked us if we would do what we can to be like Anna, and live whole-heartedly.

All in all, the service was a tremendous time of celebrating Anna's life. Alissa and I would like to once again fervently thank everyone who came to Anna's service in person and in spirit (what does that mean anyway..."in spirit?" can a person really be somewhere else as a spirit? I think not...whoa - strange tangent! sorry). I'm thinking I would like to get copies of what everyone said for Anna, and put them in a post (or posts...). That way, all of you who couldn't be at the service can get an idea of how it went.

Well, it's 11:30, Alissa is not home yet (they must be having fun! luckies...), and I'm getting tired. Of course, I'll probably stay up reading, or playing some stupid computer game, but I really should go to bed. After all, there are some very important activities happening tomorrow, namely some good football bowl games. I gotta rest up so I can watch them, right?

after the service

2011-12-31T23:33:00.001-08:00

Greetings from the night writer again. I'm starting this post at 11:15 pm, without the intentions of staying up to ring in the new year. The intention of the post is to write about Anna Joy's service that was held earlier today.

Alissa and I just read through 72 cards that were given to us at the service. Alissa counted that there were about 350 people that signed the guest book. Her parents figured that about 500 showed up for the service. Yes, you read that right, 500. Ummm - wow! And I know there were countless others who would have liked to have been there, but couldn't.

So, thank you from the bottom of our hearts for joining us today to celebrate Anna's life. We had an amazing time. A few of our family members shared some wonderful thoughts about Anna's story. Pastor Dave Ness read a letter he had written to his church family (please see the previous post and you can read it too!). Pastor Bill Bowers (our church Senior Pastor) shared also. He said many great things, but one that stuck out to many people went something like this:

"It is a tragedy when someone is born with half a heart. But it is even more tragic when someone doesn't live wholeheartedly for God." I think I may expand on that a little bit more in a future post, but my wife just asked me to join her for a snuggle in bed. And I ain't turning that down. So I guess I'll have to give you some more info on the service at a later post. Maybe I'll be able to get something to you tomorrow. Or Alissa will. Or maybe not. We'll see how our day goes.

Again, thank you. Please know that your prayers and support have allowed us to go through our situation with grace, faith, and hope. We are standing only because of the prayers of the saints surrounding us, which has enabled God's strength to flow to us. We love you all. Thank you for the wonderful words of encouragement. We also received some precious gifts that we will cherish for a long time to come.

God bless, and have a Happy New Year. I'm going to go snuggle with my wonderful wife.

from Pastor Dave Ness

2011-12-31T23:33:00.000-08:00

The following is a letter from our new dear friend, Dave. He and his wife, Joy, took us under their wings while we stayed up in Seattle before Anna was born. Dave is the pastor at North Seattle Church of the Nazarene. He learned of our situation through Alissa's dad, as they both serve on the church district advisory board. Dave and Joy felt compelled to help us in our journey as they faced a similar situation 17 years ago when they lost their triplets when they were born.

Alissa and I are very thankful for Dave and Joy, and the North Seattle church that let us worship with them while we made our temporary home up there. Dave was faithful in visiting us, and we were honored that he was with us when Anna passed away.

Dave wrote a beuatiful letter to his church family the day after Anna died. We asked him to read it at Anna's service today, which he graciously did. He also is allowing us to post his letter on our blog. So here it is. Enjoy. He's almost as good a writer as me. Not quite, but close. :)

Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Hi, NSCN Family,
It’s with a mixture of feelings that I write to you, this evening. At one end of the spectrum is joy in many answers to prayer, plus the realities of this Christmas season and all it means to us; at the other end is the heartache I share with the Peppley family, in the loss of Anna Joy, yesterday. I was there in the room as Pastor Bill Bowers (Olympia Mountain View Church of the Nazarene) dedicated her to God and anointed her with oil. I saw family members take turns holding Anna Joy for the first time, knowing it would also be their last, until heaven. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a support system quite like the one which has accompanied this family. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I believe more than a million prayers went up for Anna Joy Peppley. You were part of that support team. Thank you so much!
So,.... God couldn’t pull it off? He couldn’t manage a Christmas miracle to answer the prayers of thousands of people around the world all asking for the same thing, when all He had to do is enlarge some vessels in a baby’s lungs? It might feel that way to some, but our God can “manage” anything. He doesn’t even need our help. He already loves us, too, so it’s not like He’s fickle and just answers our prayers when He’s in the mood. He hears and answers every one. We just don’t automatically get the answer we like. God does not take orders from us; it’s the other way around.
So, what’s the deal with Anna Joy? I don’t possess the answers to questions like that, but here’s my best guess. You know how there’s a scripture in the Bible which talks about “all of our days were written in your Book before one of them came to be,” or something like that? (Psalm 139:16) What if the days for Anna Joy Peppley were “11 days” and that’s how long she was destined to live, before she was even conceived? Her life span was going to be “11 days on earth, eternity in heaven.” No matter who prayed, no matter how long anybody prayed, that’s just what it was predestined to be. (I’m not going to attempt to explain predestination, because it’s really unfamiliar territory for me).
Anyway, suppose you’re God, and for whatever reason there is a baby who is going to be an 11 day baby--and that’s if the humans apply every bit of prayer and medical knowledge they can muster, not to mention ignoring the advice of the medical people to “just start over”, seeing as she was given a 10% chance of survival, even with the surgeries and everything anyone could do. The only way she’ll even get her 11 days is if there is a family willing to go to the utmost, in order to give it to her. Who would know this little girl would launch a million prayers around the world, some of them coming from the lips of people who had long since given up on prayer, but couldn’t help crying out to God for this baby? I started a non-profit ministry to try to get people to “pray for America,” and never got past 25 people. Anna Joy never spoke a word, and got many thousands! Go figure.
So, if you were God, and you had an “11 day baby” you needed to give to a family who would love her and do everything possible to keep her alive, against all odds, then turn the pregnancy and her 11 days into a prayer-a-thon movement, to whom would you entrust her? Who would accept a deal like this? Not many. But Matt and Alissa Peppley did. God knew He could trust them with Anna Joy, a miracle baby with half a heart, significant problems beyond that, and a 10% chance of survival. Instead of giving up, they recruited thousands of prayer warriors across the globe, and the game was on!
Did God lose? What do you think?
Yes, Matt and Alissa and their whole family are hurting with grief beyond description. Many, many other people are bewildered and disappointed. But we will go on. We’ll keep our trust in a good God who can do anything, who has prepared a place in heaven for all who love Him. Anna Joy had a short life span of 11 days, yet touched many thousands of lives. I have a feeling she’s not done, either. She’s in heaven with Jesus for all of eternity---no suffering, no surgeries, no Ecmo machine---nothing but pure joy. God won. So did Anna Joy. So did her parents, although it hurts like nothing else could. Her life here was really short, but accomplished much, due to the faith of her family. I can’t think of a better plan for a baby who was going to live for 11 days than to give her to the Peppley’s. She was on the receiving end of more love and prayer than most people will receive in a long lifetime, all over the course of a few weeks. God knew He could trust Matt and Alissa with Anna Joy. He was right.
And God has entrusted each of us with resources, trials, scary situations—chances to use our faith. Did He choose well? Always. “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13). “The testing of your faith develops perseverance” (James 1:2). If you are in a time of testing, hang on to Jesus. He will get you through. Like Pastor Benji Rodes (Church of the Undignified) says, “We are condemned to victory.” Our God is victorious, and so is everyone on His side!
This has gotten lengthy—sorry about that—but I wanted to speak to the confusion some may be feeling. Joy and I have experienced some of these exact feelings, particularly following the loss of premature triplets born to us, 17 years ago. It was a very hard time in our lives, yet we’ve never been more aware of God’s comfort than we were at that time. In the emotional turmoil which followed that loss, God unexpectedly gave me a promise which I believed: “You’re going to have a son.” The date of the promise was December 19. That’s also the date I finished Caleb’s dedication song, two years later. Now I’m wearing Caleb’s hand-me-down jeans he’s outgrown. God is good. He’ll get you through. Don’t be afraid. You can trust Him.
Dave Ness

This week

2011-12-29T21:15:00.000-08:00

I want to say thank you to those of you who are still praying for us.

This journey will be part of our lives forever. It will never go away. It will be very difficult for a while, and I hope the pain will fade some over the years, but it will always be there. We will always miss Anna and ache to hold her again. This experience was meant for us for some reason - God's reasons. We have been blessed to see that it has affected so many for the positive. Some people don't ever get to see positive outcomes of the "whys" in their lives. I will still ask God "why". I know the grieving process will take me through many different emotions.

This week has brought more tears since our Christmas gatherings have ended and I've had to work on Anna's memorial service so much. My sister took me out for a pedicure and lunch earlier this week, and I told her that everything I do is bittersweet. Everything. There's not a minute I don't think about Anna. The joy of sharing time with Isaac is mixed with sadness that I'll never get to know Anna's personality and watch her grow like I have him. I've had the privilege, yet sorrow of putting together details for my baby's memorial service. I want to celebrate her life! Yet in the same longing-moment, I hate that I have to plan a service at all because I want her back. I want to touch her soft skin again. I want to sing to her. I want to do every little thing for her like change her diapers, dress her, nurse her, bathe her... I want to watch her sleep. I want to hear her cry. I knew it was a possibility to lose her, but I thought we'd still be in Seattle at the hospital with her. I thought we'd still be living at the Ronald McDonald house and visiting her, seeing her improve little by little.

To all of the parents out there with little ones... cherish the moments. The simple things are the big things. Be thankful for the cries you hear, the nights you have to stay up to rock your child, the dirty clothes, the messy faces, the toys scattered, the little hands pulling at your clothes, the sweet voices asking for your attention... They won't always be asking.

This week has been harder than I anticipated, and I expect the next several to be as well... maybe even more so. Matt & I are probably going to be so drained after Saturday. I've had a headache every day for the past... well, I'm not sure how long.

We still need you. Your prayers and encouragement have carried us through. We're amazed at how many have followed this blog, all of the wonderful comments that leave us speechless and humbled, and the sincere love and care we have felt from so many - and most of you are strangers!

Thank you. We are so blessed.

Mama's ramblings

2011-12-25T00:12:00.000-08:00

It's Alissa again... finally. The past few days I've been thinking I should post something, but I wasn't sure what to say. And I'm still not sure what I want to share, but thought I'd just start writing and see what comes out.

Anna has been gone for five days. Very soon we'll be past the amount of days she lived. She was only here for eleven days. It seems like it was much longer than that. Maybe because we lived in the unknown for so long before she was born, wondering what was going to happen on her birthday. Then after she was born, every day brought new challenges and hopes of her improving. Until last Monday morning. I knew when I saw her that something was different. Even before the doctor talked to us, she looked like she was struggling. I sensed something was different, and after the heart-breaking conversation with the doctor, I knew it was time to let her go.

But that's not what I want to think about. I want to think about all the precious moments I got with her. Her precious beauty. The blessing her last few hours were with our family. The numerous testimonies of many of you who have told us that her life drew you closer to Jesus.

The past few days have been kind of a blur. Many tears. But still, many smiles. We're having to talk about things we never imagined we would have to deal with. Like planning a memorial service for our baby. Burial or cremation, flowers or donations, order of service, tributes, etc.

What am I going to do with all of her precious clothes? How long will I sleep with the giraffe blanket Matt got her that covered her little body all those days? It's already losing her smell. Will I ever be able to take the cradle out of our room? Right now it's full of the little stuffed animals that surrounded her in the hospital, and her name banner Amy made is draped across the front.

We've been spending a lot of time with my family since we came home Tuesday afternoon. I'm so thankful we all live close to each other right now. And it's a blessing that it's Christmastime. I have been loving being surrounded by all the people I love most. It's bittersweet now, though. All in the same moment I can be filled with the warmth of my family's familiar faces and voices - and then a deep sadness sweeps through me as I realize how much I wanted Anna to be part of it all. I can picture her here with us. I can imagine what it might have been like to have both she and Isaac in the car with us, holding our baby close as she sleeps, or passing her around and staring at her in awe as she makes those funny newborn faces.

Sometimes I'm overcome with grief and I cry and cry. Other times I am laughing at Isaac. I have mostly been numb with sadness, and just sit and not want to do anything.

I am choosing to trust God's best. I wanted Anna to get better and bring her home and raise her. I know I will experience many different emotions as I go through the grieving process. But right now, though I'm extremely sad, I can honestly say I am trusting that God knows why Anna was with us for only eleven days. It hurts. It hurts terribly. But I still love Him. I have reason to praise Him. The truth remains that He came. He loves me. He loves Anna. He came for us. That's why I can rejoice in the midst of my sorrow. Jesus is still with me. My daughter's death doesn't change His goodness. I can feel His presence with me - surrounding me - holding me up somehow. There is still reason to live! In one of the songs our choir has sung recently, some of the lyrics say, "Our long-awaited, wonderful Savior has come to deliver us out of the darkness and into this marvelous love that has given us life - new life! Emmanuel has come!"

So, I'm not sure I have a main focus or point in this post. I'm just sharing some thoughts...

It's almost Christmas Day. I should go to bed.

I can't stop looking at the photos we have of Anna and our time with her. I keep looking, studying, loving, crying, rejoicing...

Here are a few more for you...

Dec. 15th

Dec. 18th - Isn't she beautiful?

Finally in my arms

First time Matt got to hold her

I got to wash her face

Our family

Thank you again for journeying with us. We appreciate your continued prayers, and we can feel them.

Merry Christmas.
Love your family. Cherish your spouse, your children, the moments...

Hello again

2011-12-22T22:18:00.000-08:00

If you haven't looked at the times that most of my posts have been - er, well - posted - then there's no need for you to look back because I'll tell you that I am a night writer. Not to be confused with an 80's tv show with a certain Mr. Hasselhoff as the "star" and a car named KIT, but one that actually writes at night.

Anyway - I don't know what that has to do with the point of this post except as an exercise to get my brain writing. So, on to the news. We are planning a memorial service for Anna Joy for Saturday, December 31st. It will be at Mt. View Church of the Nazarene in Tumwater, WA. Time will be 11:00 am. If you are local, come join us. If you are not local, find friends or relatives to stay with and come join us. If you are REALY not local, get a ticket and a hotel room and come join us.

As for Alissa and I, we are getting through each moment as it comes. With Christmas a couple of days away, the plans for the holiday are coming together. We are spending the holiday with Alissa's family. Over dinner tonight, we all agreed that we are going to try and relax a little bit, and not be rushed around this weekend (by the way, when I say "we" I mean the Randy Freeby's, the Matthew Freeby's, the Jason Gross's, and the Alissa & I's). Hopefully that agreement will stand and God's peace will settle over us in a way that we won't expect.

We hope you all have a wonderful Christmas. As for Alissa and I, we agreed to cherish this Christmas and the rest that follow, knowing that Anna Joy came and went during the best season of the year. She touched so many lives, it is only fitting that we celebrate what she accomplished in her short time here on earth.

May God bless you and keep you. And may you live in the hope of His Son's coming to earth. Merry Christmas.

We're home!

2011-12-20T22:54:00.000-08:00

Isn't it always odd that after a long vacation, you get home and one of the first things you usually say is "It's sure nice to be home?" For Alissa and I, we certainly feel that same sentiment, but with a very different twist. A bittersweet peace fills our hearts. On one hand, we feel calm, cool, and collected like we haven't felt in months. On the other, our souls ache and long for the experience of bringing another newborn babe home - an experience we left behind at Seattle Children's in the form of our baby girl Anna Joy.

I feel like I want to stay here, at our home, for about three months, and not ever leave. Home feels good, right? It's the place a person is most comfortable, where things make sense - even when they don't make sense (does that make sense? doubt it...but that's what I'm writing and there's nothing you can do about it). Home is where you go to escape the world, to hide from all of the garbage that assaults all day long. Home is where you find love, and happiness, and a soothing cup of steaming hot cocoa. A long bath, a good book in front of the fire. A good footstool at just the right height. A table covered with a checkered tablecloth, chock full of delicious, hot food that sits in your stomach for days and makes you push your chair back with a great sigh of content. Wow. That was a long sentence.

You get the picture, don't you? We all have our feeling of what home is. Alissa and I are there, right now. but with one thing missing: Anna Joy. Even so, it's good to be home. We miss her already, more than we can probably ever express. The cradle by our bed is still empty. The car seat is in the garage, and it didn't get used. Her clothes still hang in the closet, and her diaper bag is still full. We only got to use one stocking cap and one sock. Yes, one sock. Anna always had some monitor on one of her feet, so we couldn't use both. She never put on the cute outfits that were given to us. She never got to hug the stuffed animals that watched over her crib like little angels.

I miss my baby girl. But I am joyful still for the few days that she was a part of our lives. I'm grateful to have experienced her steadfastness and fighting spirit. Did we ever tell that she came out fighting? Yup. The first look on her face that I saw said "What's going on here? I don't like this! I was comfy-cozy in there!" I didn't want to tell her that since she decided to come so fast, it was really all her fault.

Oh, her tiny little cry! That sound will echo in my ears until the day I die! And her grip on my finger, that will linger for as long as I have feeling in my hands. But, oh, how my arms ache to hold her! My arms will never feel the same. "Ache" doesn't adequately explain the feeling that my arms are missing. They not only feel empty, but they almost tingle, as if to tease me into thinking that they will soon be filled with the cuddly warmth of our newborn babe.

Okay, enough for now. It's late, and Alissa and I both just took some NyQuil, so we hope to sleep through the night. I took some last night, but she didn't. She couldn't sleep, so got up to journal. She left our room (we stayed at the Ronald McDonald house one more night), and was going to use the den, but someone was in it watching TV. So she sat on the floor in front of our door and journaled by the hall light! How thoughtful is that?!?! She didn't want to disturb my slumber, so she sat on the hard floor to write her heart out! I love you, Alissa. You shouldn't have done that, but I love you nevertheless.

Aaaannnd I thought I was at the beginning of the last paragraph, but apparently not...

So tomorrow we are going to a funeral home to plan Anna Joy's memorial service. I can't imagine that will be easy, but with God's strength, I'm sure we'll get through. Heck, we've gotten this far thanks to Him (and you all), and I don't think He'll abandon us now. He's not like that, is He?

2011-12-20T07:39:00.000-08:00

Wanted to give you all a few pictures of our beautiful angel. Not angle. Angel. And thank you all for being respectful and not pointing out my typing inadequacies yesterday...

Yes, this is Matt again. If you want to see them, and don't care about what I have to say, go ahead and scroll down. If you change your mind, you can come back after absorbing her preciousness.

We did get to hold Anna Joy for a couple of hours, and she floated through the arms and hearts of her family during that time. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, even great aunts, got to cradle her, and we all cried and enjoyed feeling her warmth as we snuggled with her. She opened her eyes a few times and looked around, which was amazing.

When the ECMO was turned off, Anna Joy stayed with us for about half an hour, and even in that she stayed longer than they expected. The nurse came and listened for her heartbeat a few times, and commented once that it was a lot stronger than they all had expected. Unfortunately, or hope that God would come through with a last minute Christmas miracle was not fulfilled.

Even so, we are grateful for our time on earth here with little Miss Anna Joy Peppley. We count our blessings that were provided, the joy and sorrow included. We thank God for the miracle of her conception, and are greatly honored that He would chose us to be her parents. As I said before, God is good, all the time. And that includes now, even in the midst of our sadness. We are loved by Him, and nothing can ever take that away from us, except maybe ourselves. So we chose to love Him.

As I said before, I'm not going to be done writing about Anna Joy by any means. Not by a long shot. Not in a million years. Not on your life. And not by any other over-used cliche that you can think of. So, if you want to hear more about her, and our thoughts about her wonderful little life, please, check back. And please continue to comment too. I'll still read them. Thank you once again for being with us.

Sorry...

2011-12-19T20:59:00.000-08:00

Our little angel Anna Joy slipped from the arms of Matt and Alissa into the loving arms of Jesus this evening at about 6:45 pm.

We had a beautiful, albeit short time with our baby. We know she is in a much better place, and she was greeted by two siblings and her paternal grandpa, to name a few.

Thank you again for all of your love and support. We likely will post a couple more follow up posts, seeing as we won't forget Anna Joy any time soon.

How do you say...?

2011-12-19T15:03:00.000-08:00

I am sorry to say that the medical treatment for our little angel, Anna Joy, is coming to an end. She is having seizures that they can't control, and her right lung is still collapsed. The doctors gathered this morning to discuss her case, and informed us that they feel she is unlikely to survive.

So, with heavy hearts, we are preparing to take Anna Joy off ECMO sometime this afternoon or early evening. She is not expected to survive more than a few moments.

I'm not sure when we will be able to update this blog again...so thank you all for your fervent prayers. We are able to stand only because of your support.

I suppose there's still a chance for God to move. If He does, we'll let you know.

Love you all,
Matt, Alissa, and family.

update...and other things

2011-12-18T20:01:00.000-08:00

Got here to the hospital and found out that we won't be doing the trial off ECMO tomorrow. Appears we still have some work to do getting some fluid from off and around the lungs. So it might be easier for me (or us) to get an update in tomorrow since it sounds like its gonna be more of a resting day again.

Also, I must flog myself for being bad about telling you all about at the other amazing stories we've come in touch with. Yes, Jana, the young man you know was referring to us. I met him, his dad, and his dad's girlfriend, and it turns out we are next door neighbors at Ronald McDonald House. He is indeed a good, strong, believer. He wasn't shy at all about proclaiming that Jesus was the reason he has gotten to the point he is at. If you missed Jana's comment, the young man's name is John Petroff, and he just finished his last round of Chemo this week.

We also met a couple from Alaska, who are here because their nine month old adopted son was born with crack, meth, and probably some other drugs in his bloodstream. He has LOTS of issues, but they are trying to fix them all. His dad is a pastor in Anchorage, and they are true believers as well. In the midst of thier time of trial, they stopped to pray for us. AAANND, bad man that I am, I don't remember their names. If I see them again, I will get it for you, so you can add them to your prayers.

Anna had a roommate that her parents were from Alaska as well, and turns out they know one of my college buddies. Their baby also had an open heart surgery, and they were quick to state that God was in their story as well. Again, names have been forgotten by yours truly...

Even with all of my limitaions, God is surrounding us, and providing us with ample signs of His presence. God is good, all the time.

See you tomorrow.
Matt

greetings from another sick bed...

2011-12-18T15:46:00.000-08:00

Hello, it's me again - Mr. Matt. I am sick with a nasty cold, which I have been fighting all week. So today I am staying here at the Ronald McDonald House, resting, napping, drinking lots of water, taking some Day Quil, and, of course, doing the most therapeutic thing I can think of, watching football. But the most important thing I am doing today is reading your comments and getting inspiration to keep on fighting and praying for my little Anna Joy.

I did go see her this morning, and she had a quiet night. She is just resting now. Yesterday they put a "filter" on the ECMO that is basically a dialysis machine. Her kidney's are working okay, but they do have some injury simply because of all the stuff her body has been going through lately (a lot? that's an understatement...). So the doctor wanted to help Anna out and get some of the extra fluid off of her body, specifically the lungs. As of this morning when I left, she was negative fluids. That means the amount of fluids that have been given to her (through IV's, adding blood & platelets, etc) is less than the amount that she is "peeing" through the filter.

By the way, isn't my wife a beautiful writer? Her prayer post last night was amazing! She has such a tender heart that knows how to cry out to her God. Can you all see why I love her so much?

So, I'm going to move on to some more light-hearted stuff. I think we told you that Isaac came to visit yesterday, and he will be here for at least a couple of days. We went to eat lunch yesterday and the restaurant had a live three-man band there. At one point, Isaac started "singing." Really, it was nothing more than him holding out different notes, but he kept on doing it! The greatest part of it all, we were all just laughing at him! Randy, Cathy, Katie, Alissa and I just couldn't stop laughing! In fact, other patrons were enjoying him too! It was too cute. And extremely therapeutic. I couldn't help but think "that is just what my wife needed! Thank you, God, for our little boy!" And we enjoyed the food - immensely. We went to Patty's Eggnest, which apparently is a new restaurant near Northgate Mall. We've been there twice now, and highly recommend it. Oh - bring a wheelbarrow for your leftovers. HUGE servings...

Another slightly humorous (and disturbing...) event happened the other day. We were in our room, getting ready for bed. My wife was sitting at the computer, reading/crying over the comments, and asked me to bring her phone to her. I got up, walked to the table, and grabbed my water bottle and brought that to her. Uhh...what?!? Yes, I brought her my water bottle instead of her phone. I'm not sure what my subconscious mind was thinking (oaky - it wasn't!!!), but there you have it - my brain is officially fried. We had a good chuckle over that.

So, back to Anna, since I realize that she is the reason most (if not all) of you are reading this blog. Who cares about Matt & Alissa, right? Okay - I know some of you do too, so don't get all in a lather. Anyway, tomorrow may be a big day. If her lungs clear up enough they may do another trial of ECMO. It's very possible that the next trial off ECMO will be a pass/fail test. If she tolerates it well, they will keep her off and we'll move forward with getting her healed up. If she doesn't, it likely means the veins in her lungs aren't big enough, and she will not be able to sustain life on her own...

So we'll see if they want to do a trial off tomorrow or not. We should find out in morning rounds. I'll try and remember to post something after we find out what the plan for the day is. But please don't be disappointed if you don't see something too soon tomorrow, as my thoughts may be focused on the events of the day and I may forget to update you all. However, at some point we will get a note to you all.

Your prayers have been truly amazing, and they are giving Alissa and I (and the rest of our families!) hope. We believe our God can still move. Heck! maybe He already did and we are just waiting for the doctors to confirm it!

Loves, hugs, and thanks to you all.

pleading

2011-12-17T15:36:00.000-08:00

My every breath is an utterance to God Almighty to heal my baby.

Every step says, "please, please, please, please..."

It's time to step in, Lord. Don't ask me to say goodbye. There's so much I want to share with her throughout life. She belongs in our family.

I'm almost to the point of praying only in groans. We're desperate for Your touch, God. It's time for some good news.

My body aches, my stomach is constantly twisted.

There's so much going on in Anna's little body. Too much. Show us Your hand, Father. Gather us close to Your heart somehow. This hurts too much.

PLEASE KEEP PRAYING. Time seems short for a miracle now... it's extremely difficult to find hope as a mama who feels more deeply than I can express.

Here is my angel last night, and me anointing her with my tears. I can't believe how beautiful she is...

quick update

2011-12-17T11:27:00.000-08:00

Anna had a quiet night. We hope she continues to have a couple of quiet days of rest. The doctor may put a filter on the ECMO that will allow them to drain some fluids off more easily. The upside is the lungs can be cleared out. The downside is that the kidneys may decide "hey! I don't have to work anymore, so I'm gonna just shut down! Goodbye!" So, as is the case with a lot of things medical, the benefits of something are weighed against the downfalls too. So we'll see if they do that or not.

Alissa and I are kind of numb. However, Isaac is here to visit us today! As I watch him spin around and just enjoy being a boy, I am energized in a way that I didn't think I could be. Praise God for our little boy! He is a sweetheart, and we have both missed him much. Thank you to our family and friends for keeping him safe and whole while we try and concentrate our parenting on Anna.

Speaking of, let's get back to the star of the show, shall we? Anna still has lots of complications. We are still waiting on God to move, trusting that He can. Or maybe He already is, and we just can't see it yet.

more news...

2011-12-16T21:04:00.000-08:00

from the pages of Matt's brain:

We just got a call from the doctor. He said that Anna has some hemorrhaging on her brain. It's a little amount, and not enough that he thinks there is going to be any damage. However, it is now just one more thing to worry about.

Once again, I have been buoyed by your comments. Thank you for sending your prayers. I am able to stand because of them. God has and is continuing to sustain me through this. My eyes are red and feel like the insides are covered with sandpaper, but I have the strength of God and that is giving me what I need to keep fighting the fight of faith.

And what is really cool about this whole thing is that I know there are countless people fighting with me. I am not alone in this. My wife has been quite the trooper through this ordeal, and our families have been right there beside us, helping us in any way that they can. Our friends have stood strong with us too, and our church has opened their arms to provide for us. And then there is the wonder of social media. Because of Anna, I might actually join Facebook! Yes, I know, there are those of you who know me that will say "what? no way!" but I think it might be true. If for nothing else, so that I can look for stories like this and pray for other people who need the legions of believers to back them up too.

So, it's almost 9 o'clock (when was the last time you say "o'clock?"), and I'm pretty tired. I need to go to sleep, but probably won't. I need to pray some more, and as some people have alluded to in the comments, I am working on a story based on Anna's story. Maybe I'll write some more of that. And if I ever get it finished, maybe I'll sell it to help pay for all of our expenses. Would any of you maybe buy it?

loss for words...

2011-12-16T13:49:00.000-08:00

by Matt Peppley

Right now I am at a loss for words. Of course, I say that and then I'll probably write several pages. Or I really will not write much because I really am slowing down. We'll see how it goes...

They took Anna off ECMO earlier today and she didn't tolerate it well at all. The doctors weren't surprised, given that there was still a lot of fluid on the lungs. Since Anna has lost a lot of the fluid everywhere else on her body, they think that the arteries going into the lungs are big enough, but veins exiting the lungs are not. Thus, the fluid is sorta becoming trapped in her lungs. So when they take her off ECMO, her lungs can't keep up with the demand for oxygen. Her heart is looking good, and is pumping correctly, but the problem is the lungs.

What does this mean? One of two things. 1) the veins are just "tired out" from all the work that has been done on her little body, and they will eventually open up as her body rests a little bit. Or 2) the veins just weren't made big enough. If #1 is correct, we will be able to continue to walk through the aforementioned woods and enjoy the pleasure of raising a beautiful little girl. If #2 is correct, well...there is nothing more that the doctors can do about that and we will lose our precious angel, Anna Joy.

So, we will wait a couple of days, and let her rest. They will do another trial off ECMO and see how she tolerates that. At that point, we should know if she is going to stay with us here on earth or not.

Of course, God could intervene at any time. There is still that option. The question is: will He? I believe He can, and I gotta believe that He will. Where the doctors fail, that means the only other option is for God to move in a miraculous way.

It's easy to say that, isn't it? It's another thing to actually believe it. Don't get me wrong, I still believe that God can move in Anna's body and make things work right, but I have to ask myself: why would He? God only knows how little I deserve to have a miracle in my life. I've screwed up more times than I care to count, so why would he chose to bless me?

That being said, I could probably get into dozens of philosphical discussions about those kind of questions. So to save you all from that kind of grueling talk, I'll skip to the end. After all is said and done, no matter the outcome of this whole situation, I'll still trust God. I won't have all the answers, and never will. Heck, I'll probably forget to ask Him those questions when I get to heaven (provided He allows me access...) because I won't care anymore. So for now, I'll just sit back, enjoy the time I have with my cute daughter, and savor each moment I can - just in case her life will end in a short amount of time.

Earlier today, Alissa and I sat in a room and stared at the walls, contemplating the next couple of days. Neither of us said much, knowing that right now the decision is out of our hands. Either God will step in and help our daughter to live, or He won't. At one point Alissa looked at me and said "how can you be so strong?" I shook my head, all the time knowing the answer. She answered her own question, though, and said "it's gotta be supernatural, right?" I smiled and said, "yes, it is."

By the way, thank you for the overwhelming response to Alissa's plea last night. Reading your comments last night and today have provided me with that supernatural strength that I just mentioned.

URGENT

2011-12-15T17:16:00.000-08:00

This is very serious. We're to the point of critical tests. They're about to start a medicine that could help open her veins that go back to her lungs. They are way too small to allow blood to flow as it should for her to live on her own. If the medicine doesn't help (meaning, her veins cannot be stretched) blood will pool up and tell us that she cannot be helped further.

I can't describe how I feel at this moment... other than desperate. I'm about to fall on the floor and never get up again, or vomit, or...

Call everyone you know RIGHT NOW and ask for a miracle. RIGHT NOW. There's nothing else these experts can do if this medicine can't help her tiny veins. This has to be a God-thing if He choses to heal Anna.

Matt & I are entering numb zone. Tell everyone to hit their knees for us and especially our precious baby RIGHT NOW. It's going to be a very long, agonizing night. It is hard for me to find hope at the moment.

back from the cath lab...

2011-12-15T16:09:00.000-08:00

Hello, me again. Anna's back and she is as cute as ever! I know I'm biased - most dad's are, right? But she is a cutie patootie!!!

Results from the cath lab were good. They did need to open the shunt up again, so the blood is now able to flow into the lungs to get oxygenated. That being said, they saw that the arteries that drain into the lungs are all still pretty small. So they need to open up. There are a few things they can do to assist in that, but time is the biggest equation. They just need time to open up! So that is the prayer now. Get those little arteries to open!

Once those open and she starts getting oxygen flowing to the rest of the body, they can take her off ECMO. And, as we all should know by now, getting off ECMO is our number one priority. I was told it's possible they will do another trial off ECMO tomorrow, providing those little arteries open up between now and then.

So, that is the medical outlook. Now, I'd like to get back to the spiritual outlook. While Anna was in the cath lab, Alissa and I had lunch with Pastor Dave. He shared a story about when his daughter's appendix ruptured, and she was in the hospital for a month, while the possiblility existed that she may not make it. Near the end, when things were looking bleak, Dave said he prayed a prayer that he had prayed many times over his daughter: "God, all you have to do is say the word, and she will get better!" Lo and behold, in a very short amount of time, she asked for food (which she hadn't eaten solid food in a month!). And (if I remember right...) she went home a few days later, all healed and ready to go!

Will you pray that prayer with Alissa and I? I don't know how God will chose to answer it, but I believe that He will. Sure, he could do the completely miraculous and get her fourth chamber there where it has never been there, or he could just start to make everything work right, so we can get her off ECMO, and get her body into a place (however long that takes) that she is able to function on her own and can go on with her life. However he chooses to answer, I know that He will.

Just say the word for our little Anna Joy angel, God. Please, just say the word!

off to the cath lab

2011-12-15T12:04:00.000-08:00

Well, we just watched our cutie-pie wheeled off to the cath lab for some work there. It was quite a production! At least six people (maybe more) had to join up to push all of her equipment out with her. Just another stark reminder that Anna still needs lots of help!

By the way - this is Matt. Someday I'll figure out how to sign in using my id, that way it'll tell you who posted: either me or my lovely wife. but...

Just to let you all know, we are pretty much at peace. All of the people attending to her are so great! We were told that the cath lab doctor is known nationally and is one of the best of the best. So that makes us feel pretty good.

They will do at least a couple of things. One, they will do some diagnostic stuff to see what is going on with the heart, how the blood is flowing, and look for any problem spots. Also, they will correct any problem spots that they find (if they can...). They think the shunt they put in during the first surgery either has a kink, or a clot, or something like that, so they will probably have to fix that.

The surgeons will be in the cath lab with them, so if there is anything that they need to do and can do, they will be there to do so. There is no anticipation that the surgeons will need to do anything, but they are there just in case.

We're going to try and grab some lunch while they work on our precious angel. Should be about an hour or so, but could be longer. Sounds like most of the time is spent just moving her, getting the equipment all set up, making sure nothing came loose, etc.

Depending on how our brains are functioning after Anna comes out, we'll try and post an update.

By the way, the comments you guys are all putting on this blog have kept me going! It's such a blessing to get on the blog and see the words of encouragement, the prayers, and the Scriptures that you are all providing for us. Thank you! We love you all!!!

good evening! or is it...?

2011-12-14T21:20:00.000-08:00

We were having dinner with one of my brothers, his wife, and Alissa's sister, Katie. In her wisdom, Katie pointed out that we (Alissa and I) were being too positive in our posts. Okay - she worded it much kinder than that, but that was the message.

Yes, we are doing our best to stay positive, and live in the hope that our good Lord has promised to us. Yes, our hope is bigger than anything the doctors can say to us. And yes, we are going to believe in that hope until we have nothing left to believe in.

That being said - we are not out of the woods. Not even close. Actually, we just entered the woods, and still can see the fields behind us through the trees cuz we are still really close to the border. And the doctors tell us the woods will be thick, full of wolves, valleys and high hills, with lots of pricker bushes & poison ivy.

For example, Anna was taken off the ECMO for three minutes earlier today for a trial run to see how she would do. The doctors didn't think she would go very long, and she didn't. They did find some useful information though, that will help them chart their path. For example, the shunt they put in is having some sort of problem. Since the shunt is hardly being used while the ECMO is on, it doesn't have much blood flow. And since it's a foreign object in the body, the blood can easily coagulate there. So there is a possibility that it needs some work too. They will take Anna into the cath lab tomorrow to do some more diagnostic work.

See? We're still woods, and the path is not clear at all - at all!

As a stark reminder, just the other day one of the doctors commented that she is, after all, still on full life support. And she is still in the ICU - which, as we all should know, stands for Intensive Care Unit. And people in ICU need lots and lots of help if they are going to get out alive.

So let me say this: please know that we are still hopeful. But please don't think we are without hope, or that we are just being naively hopeful. We know the odds are still against us. But we also know that our God is not a God of odds. That's why our posts seem full of positive reinforcement.

But - we are still human. We still cry. We still get drained. We still have moments of doubt. Sometimes that doubt hits so strong that we have to get hit upside the head in order for it to be dislodged. Actually, sometimes putting our head on someone else's shoulder and receiving a word of encouragement is much better and more effective than getting hit upside the head. So if you see us, and you have the choice of one over the other, we would like to opt for the shoulder-to-cry-on technique.

Tomorrow is a new day, and it will bring a new challenge. We'll have to sign another consent, and watch our baby Anna be wheeled into another room for another procedure. We hope to get more answers for the riddles that plague little Anna. We hope the doctors can find enough information that will set them and us on the right path, knowing full well that the path may disappear even as we walk it and we'll have to find another one.

Okay, I've overused the simile thing. It's over and done, and hopefully you guys all get the point. And it's time for me to go fold some laundry, and then curl up with my cute little wife and cry ourselves to sleep.

Love you all. Thank you for joining us as we try to get to go over the hills and through the woods to gran...whoops. I went back to the woods thing. Sorry.

Six Days Old!

2011-12-14T11:03:00.000-08:00

(post by Katie JOY)

I had the priviledge of seeing Anna with her eyes open last night! Though the doctors were wanting her to rest, she wanted to see me..I just know it. She was moving her face, hands and feet. Not a lot, but enough to get everyone excited!! Through tears, Alissa and I sang You Are My Sunshine to her. We asked Matt if he wanted to add a third part, but he declined.:)

Anna had a good night and was able to drain some of the fluid that needed to come out. The doctors slightly decreased the ECMO assistance last night, and her heart is handling it ok so far. The doctors plan to do a trial-run off ECMO around noon today. Her heart appears strong, though there are still some concerns about her lungs. The trial off ECMO will give the doctors insight as to what her next goal will be. Please continue to pray for protection for Anna - the longer she's on ECMO, the higher the risk is for other complications. She is definitely a fighter, and it's wonderful to hear the nurses call her feisty and stubborn!

Isaac is on his way to Seattle to spend some time with Mommy and Daddy. They will get to play at their new home at Ronald McDonald House, and might even get to meet the Mariner Moose this afternoon!!

Another prayer request: Matt needs to get well. He has a horrible cold and cough, which doesn't help when he's lacking sleep.

Thank you, yet again, for your continued prayers and encouragement. Somehow Matt and Alissa find a little bit of energy to keep going...to do the next needed thing, and to hopefully find time to eat something and sleep. God is sustaining them...

If you'd like to send encouraging notes, cards, gifts, etc., please email me at helpforAnna@gmail.com. I can send you the information you need.

Oh, and Anna is six days old today...what a blessing she is. Happy six days, Anna Joy!

Prayer request & special moments

2011-12-13T22:52:00.000-08:00

Anna needs to come off ECMO as soon as possible. The doctors hope to do a trial to see how she does within the next couple of days. They turn the machine off temporarily to see if her body will take over and do the work on its own. The current obstacle for that is too much fluid in her lungs. We ask that you pray for the fluid to drain from her body tonight. They take a daily x-ray to check her lungs, so I hope that tomorrow morning's picture shows that her lungs are clearing up.

I read some scriptures over Anna this afternoon. I started compiling special ones in a small flipper several weeks ago - some I found on my own and several are from cards and notes from all of you. I speak healing, wholeness, life, and peace over my baby in Jesus' name!

Matt & I got to spend an hour with Anna - awake! This was way more than a couple of eyelid flutters. She was looking around, making faces, moving her limbs and holding our fingers tighter than ever.

I sang "Healer" to her, and the chorus of a special song written just for her by a friend. It was so exciting to see her this way!

Here are the lyrics to the chorus of the song for Anna Joy:

You are safe in His hands
And though my tears fall like rain
Though I don't understand
God is real, He is love
You're already a part
of His marvelous plan
And all I need to know
is you are safe in His hands

It was hard to leave her tonight. We got to check in at the Ronald McDonald house today, and the plan was to spend the night there together, along with my sister who came up for the night. After Anna opened her eyes MORE tonight when we were saying goodnight, Matt decided he didn't want to leave the hospital. So he's staying there at least one more night. She's got him wrapped around her finger. But he admits it's been that way since the day we found out she was a girl. (I love my husband!)

Well, we wanted to share the exciting moments of today, but don't forget to pray for the fluid to drain from Anna's lungs. THANK YOU!

Quick note from the dad...

2011-12-13T20:48:00.000-08:00

yeah, right, quick? Ha! We'll see...

It's Tuesday (I think...) and Alissa is down in the room with Anna, her sister Katie by her side. I'm in a waiting room since I'm sick and don't want to over-expose myself to our little one. It's 8:30 and it feels instead like 11:30. Yes, we are exhausted! We are trying to take everyone's advice and get some rest, but all of you who have gone through similar circumstances know how hard that is.

I think Alissa is posting something right about now, too, so again we'll probably double up on the info. But I gotta say we had a truly blessed moment earlier. For about an hour Anna's eyes were open and she was looking around, frowning, and generally looking like she was getting ready to bellow a great little cry. Nothing verbal came out, and no tears flowed, so that was good. Crazy enough, I would have given anything to hear even a tiny peep from her. Alas, we had to content ourselves with watching her looking at everything around us.

I say that like it wasn't amazing! Jeepers...well - it was. We were just sitting there when one of the nurses said "hey, her eyes are wide open!" I think I knocked over the stand of IV's on my way to see her precious little eyes. I'm not sure because I zeroed in on her (sparing a glance or two at my wife to see the motherly glow on her face), so it's entirely possible I did do damage to the medical equipment, but didn't notice when they had to pick it all up and restart everything. They probably yelled at me, ordered me to leave, and gave me numerous glares while they cleaned up, but I didn't see or hear any of it.

Well, I gotta say that was the most precious hour that we have had so far with our little Anna. And we were both there to share it together! Pastor Dave stopped by about midway through, so he got to enjoy her time of eye-openness too. My brother Joe said he was on his way over as soon as he heard, but since he's coming from Idaho, he didn't make it. Even if he caught a flight, I don't think he would be here yet and her eyes are closed. Sorry, Joe.

We also had a good chat with one of the doctors today. She told us that basically she is doing good, except for the one set back yesterday. If enough fluid clears from her body tonight, they will try and take her off ECMO for a while to see how she does. We'll know in the morning if they will be able to try once they take an x-ray of her chest to see how much air is getting in there. We'll try and keep you posted.

HA - the fire alarm is going off again! I guess I gotta go, see if it's real or if we are okay to stick around.

Love yoam'lfkdsanl ;we errrrr!!! lemme goo!!! I gotralak;a ;ja'aaa aaahhhhh!!!!

More pics

2011-12-13T11:55:00.000-08:00

These are from Sunday afternoon, December 11.

My dad, Randy (Papa), with Isaac and my niece, Alivia.

Heading to meet Anna.

Isaac touching Anna's hand.

So much I want to say and sing to her - but often tears get in the way.

I love her soft skin and dark hair.

Sometimes she grips our fingers and fans her toes when we touch them!

Our little beauty. Sometimes she sucks on the tube.

Daddy's hand.

No words...

Pic and news update

2011-12-12T14:15:00.000-08:00

First of all, here is a picture of Anna's beautiful eyes!

This is me again, Matt. Wasn't it nice to see a post by my wonderful wife last night? She has such a calm, soothing spirit, doesn't she?

Okay - back to Anna...she opened her eyes for me this morning. Well, I like to think she opened em for me, but I think we all know she just opened them because, well, babies do that. I had to move my head around to get it into place so I could say "she's looking at me!" But, hey - sometimes we have to fool ourselves into thinking things that help us feel better, right.

Anyway - it was a pleasure to see her looking around. She peeked around a bit, closed them and opened them a few times, then went back to her normal & peaceful look. It was sssooo cool. Except for the fact that Alissa missed it...

As for the news, Anna had some fluid build up on the right side of her chest, so there was concern that she may have had some clotting in or around the cannulae, which is the thing that drains the blood back into the heart after going through the ECMO. By the way, since I don't think we have ever explained: ECMO stands for extracorporeal membrane oxygenation. I could give you the technical rundown of what that is, but you could also google it and do as little or as much research as you want. So there.

Again - I am distracted. Back to the story. Fluid on right side, clotting around cannulae... The surgeon went back into her chest (which they left open in case they needed to do something like this...) and did indeed find some clotting. He cleaned it up, took out some of the fluid (blood), and put in a couple of stitches, then redressed her. They say she is now looking good, and resting again.

By the way, none of the attending folks thought this was any kind of emergency. While it is not normal for this to happen, it is something that occurs occasionally, especially for patients like Anna who has had surgery. Basically, the doctors/nurses have to walk a fine line. The ECMO requires Anna to be on blood thinners, since clots form very easy when blood comes into contact with the plastic tubbing of the ECMO machine. As you can imagine, a body that just went through surgery doesn't need a blood thinner, since the body needs to coagulate in order to heal the intrusions. So that's the fine line they walk: keep enough blood thinner in to keep clots from forming, but not too much that she just keeps bleeding. As such, extra fluid forming from clots is a fairly common side-effect.

So, what this all means is we are taking a couple of steps back. In order for them to start weening her off the ECMO, they need her extra fluids to go bye-bye. The reason being: extra fluid in the body puts pressure on the organs. And any extra pressure on the heart and lungs for Anna is bad, since they are still trying to heal up from the surgery. So the goal: reduce swelling, so the heart and lungs have as much space as possible to pump. Had she not had this setback, they would have started today to try and slowly take the ECMO down, and let the heart/lungs take over. However, since they needed to go back in, we will have to wait a couple of more days for the swelling to go back down and to start the weening process.

WAKE UP!!!

Sorry. Figured had to do that to all of you who fell asleep during that page-turning section of explanation...

What does all of this mean? Well, we could still use your prayers and support. Not that I doubt any of you are slowing your prayer-horse down any...

In other news, the sun is shining and it feels good to see that. Liss and I both slept okay last night. We had a great breakfast at a new restaurant nearby. We all ordered our own dishes, and I think we could have feed at least 10 people with all the food we got. We have some leftovers if anyone wants them, just come on down.

Love you all, and thank you again. I don't pity you the headache you will have when you wake up. But for now, sleep well, and dream of large women. Yes, that last sentence was a quote from a movie (or as near as I could remember). 10 points for the first person to get it right.

My beautiful girl

2011-12-11T22:19:00.000-08:00

I am exhausted, but I wanted to tell you all how much I love my baby. I won't be able to articulate it accurately, because my love is so great. I hardly know her, but I carried her in my body for 9 months, and now have had the blessing of meeting her and loving on her the past few days. My heart aches to pick her up and cuddle her, but I'm thankful that I've been able to caress her dark head of hair, stroke a bare shoulder or leg, and feel her grip my finger in her tiny hand. She is beautiful. She is an amazing little fighter. I cry every time I go down to visit her. Sad for the challenges she's already had to endure, sickened by the tubes connected to almost every part of her, but bursting with mama-love for this little miracle. I thought you'd like to see some more photos of our angel.

WARNING: They may be too graphic for some stomachs.

WARNING: Her beauty may make you cry.

That's me stroking her head.
There are angels surrounding her!

Resting peacefully in the arms of Jesus.

My darling girl healing up from surgery.

Ok, so I'm crying again just looking at these photos. I can't believe we're really walking this road. Was she really in my tummy just a few days ago?

PLEASE keep praying. Anna needs healing and protection. We hope she can come off ECMO within the next few days. Matt & I need rest and strength and peace. (Plus, we both have colds right now.) Isaac needs to know Daddy & Mama are OK, and that his world will come back together someday. We did get to see him today, and it was wonderful to kiss him and hear his laughter.

I'm going to try to sleep a bit before I have to take more pain meds and pump again. Thank you again to the ever-growing family of prayer warriors who are lifting us up to God's heart. We appreciated sincerely all of the prayers said before she was born, but now we're even more desperate for support with what we're having to face.

Today I asked Jesus where He was/is in Anna's room. He told me He is holding her - His hands are in the blankets under her and in the hands of the nurses and doctors attending her. And then He reminded me of the comforting verse from Psalm 91 that says, "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge..." (v. 4)

What a beautiful picture and truth! Not only that God is caring for her, but He is a gentle refuge. Compared to all the harsh equipment around Anna that makes me cringe to see, God is using feathers from His wings to protect and comfort her. Gentle love. Sweet care. She is truly in His care, and I must rest in that. Pray that I'll be able to do that.

She's peeing!!!

2011-12-10T17:59:00.000-08:00

Hello, this is your freindly neighborhood reporter, Mr. Peppley, bringing you news from Seattle Childrens. Anna is indeed peeing, and that is a good thing. She started on a medication to make her pee, which in turn is to reduce the swelling she has encountered. By the way, the swelling is an expected side effect of the surgery, so no worries about that.

All in all, Anna is doing good - all things considered. Or at least I think so. The nurses are doing a lot more standing around and shooting the breeze than they did yesterday. In fact, I don't remember them doing that at all yesterday. So I take that as a good sign.

NOTE: the following is a sleeper of a paragraph, and it has some "technical" stuff in it. You are free to skip it if you want. Also, for any heart savy people out there, please feel free to correct my inaccuracies. I'll punch you in the mouth first when I see you corrected me, then apologize.

Anna is hooked up to a pacemaker, but that also is nothing out of the ordinary. Each heart has a primary node, which is on the atrium. The node sends an electrical impulse to a node on the ventricle via the septum (in a normal heart, that is...Anna doesn't have a septum), which tells that pump to fire. So the first node signals all the other ones to fire, and keeps them all in synch with each other. With Anna - and other heart surgery patients - sometimes the primary node doesn't communicate that will with the other ones, so the pacemaker is set up to help that. There are three "levels" of impulses that heart patients see. The first is having the heart do all of the work - all by itself with no outside help. This, of course, is preferred. The second is when the pacemaker "activates" the primary node, or the one on the atrium. And the third is when the pacemaker "activates" the ventricle node. This one is used when the communication line between the atrium and ventricle break down - whatever that reason is. The doctor (or, actually, the fellow) who explained it to me said it is not uncommon for the patient to go from one to the another and back again, or from any one to any other. So she could go from A to B to C, and then to A, then to C, then B, then to A...you get the picture. The point is, it's fairly normal and nothing to be concerned about yet.

Okay - I got through that paragraph. Phew! And when I sat down to write this post, I thought I would try my darndess to make it short...

Just one more thing. We really wish we could be in Tumwater tonight or tomorrow morning. Our church is putting on a Christmas concert, and it is always good - no - spectacular. And no - I'm not saying that simply because the director is my mother-in-law. So if you are in town, go to Mt View tonight at 7 pm or one of the services tomorrow, 9 or 10:45. Or if that doesn't work, go to one of your local concerts. It's good to get out and get a little bit of culture.

Love you all. Thanks for sharing with us! (mooch-mooch, hug-hug)

Greetings from the bedside

2011-12-09T22:42:00.000-08:00

Hello. This is Matt. Again. I guess my wife doesn't want to talk with you guys anymore. Either that, or she has a few other things on her mind. She did, after all, push a rather large object out of her body just yesterday. And that rather large object ended up having open-heart surgery, so can you blame her? I think not.

Yes, I'm sitting here at the hospital, next to my beautiful daughters little bed. It's almost 10 pm, and I'm the last of the vigilantes to stay here. All others have retired to other buildings around the greater Puget Sound area for some much needed rest. Please - don't feel sorry for poor little ol lonely me. I am far from lonely. How could I be? I am accompanied by my precious little daughter, baby Anna Joy. She is laying (or is it lying? I can never remember - even after all of those English classes I took...) there, sleeping peacefully and comfortably. Is there anything more precious than a sleeping baby?

I submit that there is. A sleeping baby who had open-heart surgery one day ago and is sleeping her way to health. That is more precious. And I wager that all of you who have gone through similar situations can agree. Of course, there is always the fear that something's not right, that something's going to go wrong, and something bad is going to happen. But as I sit here, in the relative peaceful quiet of the ICU after-hours, I can believe that all is okay with our little baby.

I just watched two nurses roll Anna a little bit to change her position. They disconnected one of her tubes for a few seconds to make the move easier and to protect the tubes from kinking up. The alarms began to go off and within seconds other members of the team came into Anna's room to make sure everything was okay. How many times have I been in a hospital room that some sort of alarm is going off and everyone just ignores it? Too many to count. And one little alarm goes off in Anna's room and several people jump? How cool is that?

Well, I haven't been in that many hospital rooms...

Going back to the people who have lived our experience before - you all know how easy it is to fear, don't you? For those of you who haven't lived it, I'm sure you can imagine. However, I'm sorry to say you probably can't understand. But thanks for trying anyway. (Wow, that was kinda harsh, wasn't it? Sorry...). Just this morning I was in bed, in that dreamy in-between stage when you're not really awake or asleep. And I thought something like "is she going to alright? are we going to be able to take her home? will Isaac get to be a big brother to Anna?" Then the power of the prayers of the saints kicked in. I could almost hear Jesus whisper in my ear "I am with you." Then my mind gratefully sunk back into the blissful forgetfulness of sleep. And I rested in the arms of my Lord for a little bit longer, knowing without a shadow of a doubt that He held my little girl in his very capable hands.

Yes, I'm getting a little sappy tonight. Blame it on the lack of sleep (or should I say the "fitfulness of trying to sleep but not really sleeping well because of...), but it's there. Or maybe it's because I confiscated my wife's laptop so she wouldn't be tempted to get on it and stay up way too late and her sentimentality is rubbing off on me as I write. By the way, the reason I'm all alone at the hospital is because visiting hours for anyone who is not a parent/caregiver is over at 8 pm, so all of our fellow bedside sitters went home. And Alissa went back to the hotel to sleep there, staying the night with her mom and dad. I hope they all sleep well and rest in the arms of our Lord too.

Now, on to more non-sappy stuff. It's been great reading all of the comments that have been posted on the blog. And for all of you doubting-Thomaser's: yes, I have read every single one, even the ones from Argentina, Africa, Finland and all of the other crazy countries that are represented. By the way - what?!?! Who are all of you and why do you care?!?!

Okay - I know some of you, like my old Buddy from high school youth group, my roommate from college, a former girlfriend-turned-good-friend and the old family friend-turned-co-worker at Garts. I know why you and the others we know care, but the ones who don't know us? Well - while I may not understand why you are here reading this post, I'm grateful. Reading all of the posts helps me fill my tank up for the day. I can use all of the positive reinforcement I can get, and your words of encouragement go a long way for me.

Somehow, Anna's story has reached far and wide. And gauging from all of your comments, apparently her life has impacted a lot of you in a very good way. Who woulda thought, huh?

So, again, thank you. I did warn you I would say that again, didn't I? While I would like to imagine that you are all reading this blog because you can't take your eyes away from the melodious, poetic, mesmerizing words of my writing, I know that God has placed Anna's story into your heart. Why? I don't know. But maybe, just maybe, God is trying to show His power is still at work in the world today. We still don't know the ultimate outcome of Anna's story and life, but we know that God is present - not just in, but IN - her story.

I'm thinking this post is getting a little off track and helter-skelter. So I think I'll take a little of that advise a lot of you have been giving me: I'm gonna go get some sleep and rest. Hopefully I won't hear your texts tomorrow morning, and I can sleep until 9 or so.

Good night and God bless.

By the way, Anna is doing great. At least that's how I am interpreting what the doctors and nurses and fellows (thanks for the explanation in that comment!!!) are telling me. Maybe I'll get philosophical again on my next post, and go into that thought a little bit more...

lllongg day...

2011-12-09T00:21:00.001-08:00

It seems like I was writing about this time last night, telling you all about how we were going to try and get the labor and delivery started. Well, whatever they did that night, it worked. And did it work! Whooie! Did it ever work! Anna came pretty quick, and rumor has it she had both doctors and nurses running around to get things ready for her arrival.

By the way, if you haven't figured it out yet, this is Matt again. So if that is all you need to know, you can stop reading. I mean, about me writing. After all, who would want to wade through the countless pages of his random rambling?

Well, she arrived, she cried, she became stable on her own without breathing assistance, got put back on breathing assistance, got transported to Seattle Children's, got inspected by a plethora of doctors. There were also a lot of nurses, and even a fellow. Don't ask me what a fellow is or what he does, but I met two today (one was a guy, and one was a girl - go figure!). They (meaning the doctors) told us they can move forward, and we gave them the blessing (gulp!). She had the surgery, came off the bypass machine for 15 minutes, got put on ECMO, and went into recovery process. Now she is sleeping peacefully, (heavily sedated of course) with at least one, maybe two nurses who are watching her 24/7. Literally. The ECMO tech can't even leave her station to go to the bathroom unless someone relieves her (no pun intended...).

Anyway, I sit here, writing through a false fire alarm. Flashing lights, dinging bell, the whole works. At least we didn't have to evacuate (yes, it is after 12 am...(sigh)). Oh - wait - it just got over, so I'll try and make this quick so I can go to bed.

Alissa stayed at UW since we understood we may not be able to see Anna until late in the night/early in the morning. So we decided it would be best for her to stay there where she would be cared for and could rest as much as she could. As far as I know, she is doing so. Turns out, we were able to see Anna at about 10:30. And when I say "we" I mean myself, my mother, my brother Joe, his wife Pam, my sister Heidi, and Cara and Mel. Wait - Cara and Mel weren't there, were they? That's right, we got rid of them a couple of years ago.

Where was I? Oh yeah, seeing Anna. Sorry. My brain is a little frazzled. I think I still have about three gallons of adrenaline coursing through my veins, too. Well, we did get to go see her. Yes, her chest is still open, and she has about 19 dozen tubes coming out of her from various parts of her body. But she seems to be doing good and the nurses, doctors, therapists, and fellows are all telling me she is doing good. Since they seem to know what they are doing, I'll believe them.

Since one of my eyes seems to be turning black like I'm about to pass out, I think I better go to bed. So this is all you get for now. Also, it appears we will be here in Seattle for a few months at least, so I'm guessing we will have lots of time to post some more posts.

Thank you. Let me say it again: Thank you. There were several times today that I should have been a blubbering fool, but I didn't turn into a Joe. And in case you think I have a heart of stone, I did cry, several times. But all in all I maintained my composure (I think...anyone who was here today can contradict me...). And I am confident that the main reason I was able to do so was because of your ever-increasing prayers for our little family. God is good, all the time, and I haven't ever felt His goodness like I did today.

Okay - sorry - I already said I was done, and then I added something more. But now I truly am.

...I think.

Out of surgery

2011-12-08T22:17:00.001-08:00

Anna is out of surgery. The doctors were able to do the three things they were hoping to do. Anna's pulmonary veins are very abnormal, making it difficult for her lungs to function. She has been put on an ECMO machine which will act as her heart and lungs while her heart and lungs try to heal. Please pray that Anna's body will react positively to the help she received in surgery, and that the ECMO machine causes no damage. Please also pray for Matt and Alissa...that they will experience a peace that surpasses all understanding.

Dad, Mom, and Anna

2011-12-08T17:26:00.000-08:00

Pray without ceasing...

2011-12-08T14:47:00.001-08:00

Anna is about to undergo surgery. This surgery may take anywhere from 4-15 hours. Pray that her little heart and body will continue to strengthen, and that Matt and Alissa will find peace amidst all of this...

Do you like my dark hair and rosy cheeks?

2011-12-08T13:07:00.001-08:00

Beautiful Girl

2011-12-08T12:51:00.001-08:00

Here is a photo of Anna Joy...what a precious gift she is!

Anna is here! (post by Katie)

2011-12-08T11:49:00.001-08:00

Anna Joy was born at 9:36am this morning. She weighs 7lbs. 10oz. She came out screaming and is breathing on her own!! Praise the Lord! She is about to be transported to Seattle Children's Hospital. Alissa is doing well, and both Matt and Alissa have been able to hold her. Thank you for your continued prayers...and praise God from whom ALL blessings flow!

Live, from the hospital

2011-12-08T00:23:00.000-08:00

This is Matt Peppley, reporting live from UW Labor and Delivery, Sixth Floor, Room 4. We have been officially checked into the hosptial since 9 pm on Wednesday, December 7th - a day that will live in infamy - and still no baby. Of course, that is good. We don't want her to come too soon. We have met about a dozen doctors, resident doctors, and student doctors, and a few nurses too. So far we like them all.

Our nurse for the night, Carmen, is taking a last set of vitals and then we will be left mostly to our own resources. Hopefully we can get some measure of sleep tonight.

Alissa was given some meds to help her cervex loosen up, and in the morning between 6 & 8 we will start petosin (spelling? who besides medical professionals know?). The goal is to have Anna be born during normal business hours.

I want to warn you that we may not be able to post much - if at all - for the next 24-48 hours. So we apologize in advance for keeping all of our faithful followers in the relative dark.

Also, I want to say thank you - again. I imagine that's not the last time you will hear me (or Alissa) say that, so get used to it. We are overwhelmed by all of the comments on this blog, on Alissa's Facebook page (Matt still hasn't joined the 21st Century...), and all of the other places we are hearing from you. We even got a comment from Finland! How cool is that!?!?

We also love to hear about all of you who have gone through similar trials and have survived. You have paved our way, so now we know how to succeed! Thank you (see? I told you...).

I'm going to sign off for now. Hopefully you will hear positive news sometime tomorrow.

Love you all!

Specific Prayer Requests

2011-12-07T16:06:00.000-08:00

Unity for Matt & I as we face decisions for labor, delivery, and care for Anna.
I hope for labor that is not too long. (Very long, difficult labor & delivery experience with first baby.)
Pray that our doula will be helpful and will be a good fit personality-wise with our family, doctor, and nurses.
For wisdom for the nurses, doctor, and medical staff who will be helping us. Pray that communication will be clear.
I would like delivery to be as smooth as possible so I can heal quickly and not have physical limitations interfere with care for Anna.
May God orchestrate everything involved with the birth - timing of induction, length of labor, ease of delivery, when family arrives, who can visit, how our son Isaac can come see us and meet Anna, where people wait and sleep...
Our sweet son, Isaac - He is only 20 months old, but we know he can sense something big is happening. Please pray for protection for his emotions and that he would be enveloped with peace. I hope he is OK with the different family & friends he has had to stay with, and that whatever happens after Anna's birth will be a smooth transition for him as well.
That I will be able to be real - not afraid to show my emotions and preferences. To communicate affectively.
That Matt will have the support he needs as a man/dad - he will be the one to go with Anna to Children's and have to witness a lot.
That family relationships will be protected; everyone will be sensitive to each other and the whole experience will draw us closer together.
We will be able to share our faith if the opportunity is right. Through all the emotions and challenges, we would be able to sense the Lord's guidance in conversations and situations.
I would really like to hold Anna girl. I can't wait to see her, touch her, kiss her... I want to look into her eyes and tell her I love her.
I'd like the timing of an epidural to be perfect so that it gets me through delivery, yet doesn't hold me back from going to Children's so I can be with Anna.
That the neonatal team would be skilled in their care and assessment of Anna immediately after birth - that they would have keen sense of what to do, to not give up too soon, and to be open to options they perhaps didn't think of previously.
That we would sense the holy presence of Emmanuel - God With Us - every step of the way. May we be aware.

God With Us

2011-12-07T15:44:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite names of God is "Emmanuel". It means "God with us". He came in human form to be with us! He loves us so much, he wanted to be with us, to experience life as we know it, to understand our hurts, challenges, joys, and feelings. That may be one of the reasons why I love Christmas time so much. God came to us. He came to ME! Really? God wants to be close to me? This boggles my mind and warms my heart.

The melody and lyrics of a Tommy Walker song have been playing in my heart a lot recently. It's called "He Came" and my home church choir has been rehearsing it for their upcoming concert. You can listen by clicking on the following video. My favorite part is when he sings, "He came to NEVER LEAVE, to HEAL and to REDEEM!" I think the worst feeling in life would be to feel alone. I've felt it. But to believe and know and feel that Jesus is with me and WILL NEVER LEAVE... that makes everything different. He didn't just come for a visit. He didn't just come for a select few. He didn't just come to say, "I'm here. I'm God. Ok, gotta go now." He came to NEVER LEAVE. I need that assurance. I need to know not only that I'm loved beyond anything I can imagine, but that I'm never going to be abandoned. People may fail me, but Jesus won't.

He's carried me through many past challenging experiences - some I was aware of, some I wasn't. At one of our earlier ultrasound appointments, I saw Jesus bending over to caress my pregnant tummy. He held it, put his face to it - like He was saying to Anna, "I'm here. I've got you. You are precious to me." And He says that to me as well.

How can I not praise Him? Yes, I've been through a lot of questioning and pain through this process of carrying Anna. But I'm not alone. HE CAME! I hope this rings true to someone else out there. It feels like I'm having a hard time articulating what I want to convey. I'm just rejoicing in the gift of His presence and want someone to understand that God is good and He loves you so much that HE CAME.

I want to be aware of His presence with me as we check into the hospital tonight. I want to see Him in the room with me. I want to feel His arms around me. I want to be able to sing the songs that glorify Him and help me feel His presence.

Emmanuel. What a beautiful name.

Matt's poor brain...

2011-12-06T15:24:00.000-08:00

So, I've been meaning to put a post for quite some time telling all of our faithful followers another incredible thing that has happened. Back when we were told about Anna's second heart conditioin, the doctor's office told us about a non-profit organization, Jamie's Heart Foundation.

Jamie's Heart Foundation was set up to help families like us deal with situations like we are in. Jamie had a congenital heart defect that was treated at Seattle Childrens. Her parents saw a need, and created this organization to fill that need. They help out with all of the little things that people often don't know they need it until they need it. For example, they are assisting us in paying for our hotel stay. How incredible is that?!?!

Another thing Jamie's Heart Foundation can do is provide tax deductible opportunities for anyone who wants it. All you have to do is designate any gift to us, Matt & Alissa Peppley. They will then in turn make sure that we get what you have donated. That's pretty cool.

Also, I suppose I should apologize for all of you who have already provided financial means to us and are now thinking "that nincompoop! why didn't he tell me before we gave them all that cash!?!?" Well, I am sorry. I have been a little preoccuppied lately...

Anyway - you can visit www.jamiesheart.org for more info.

Aaannd - in other news, we have completed our second puzzle. As soon as my wife can download a picture of it onto her computer, she will likely put it into this post. My mom and sister-in-law Heidi came up today and brought Isaac for another visit. He had a small meltdown at the place we went for lunch. But other than that, he's doing great and it is wonderful to spend some time with him.

Thanks again for your time, support, faith, and prayers. We wouldn't be where we are without you guys all going through this with us!

uhhh...

2011-12-05T19:00:00.000-08:00

So, remember how I (yes, this is Matt writing again...) said we hadn't made it to the news yet? Well, that is about to change. We were just interviewed by a reporter from King 5 News in Seattle. Unless there is a major news break tonight, we will have our interview ran on tonight's news at 10 and 11. It will also be posted on King 5's website, so if you're not local (and you really care...) you can view it there. We'll keep you posted if the dates change.

Yes, you heard me correctly. Or should I say you read correctly? Well, either way, you got it right. We will be on the local news. Wow! God is trying to make Himself known, isn't He?

May God recieve any glory. And may His love and peace surround any and all who hear our story.

A view from the dad

2011-12-04T20:55:00.000-08:00

by Matt

If you have read one of my wife's recent posts, or chatted with someone in our family, or just have that preternatural sixth sense, then you know that Anna's birthday has been delayed. Personally, I'm not sure what to think about the delay, except it does mean a few things. 1) I get to "enjoy" a few more days off work. 2) We get to "enjoy" the hotel's breakfast for a few more days. 3) Our family (and friends) get to "enjoy" the random trip up to Seattle to visit us. And 4), my mom gets to "enjoy" a few more days of taking care of Isaac all by herself.

Okay, one of them - the fourth one - I think my mom really does enjoy, and she's not doing it "all by herself" either. Lots of other family members are checking in on her or helping her out quite a bit. And, admittedly, I really am enjoying not being at work...but maybe I shouldn't say that too loudly, since the company I work for has great benefits that are providing me with the ability to be with my wife as we wait for Anna to come, right? Right. I'd like to keep that job.

Anyway, back to the original story. It is now Sunday night and we are still in the hotel. We were supposed to be checking in to the hospital tonight. Alissa's family was supposed to be here helping with that. My mom was supposed to be picking up my brother Tony from the airport. Another brother, Joe, was supposed to be driving over from Idaho. But none of that is happening. And we are still in the hotel. Yes, I already said that, but it's true, we are still in the hotel. Which means Anna Joy is still in mommy's tummy.

Now, I want you all to remember the simple fact that Anna is doing super good while she is within the womb. It's when she pops her dear little head out that the troubles start happening. So, really - all in all I'm not too disappointed that she hasn't done any popping out yet.

That being said, I eagerly anticipate seeing her for the first time. I'd be a shame to my calling as a Christian if I didn't eagerly anticipate her arrival. God called me to be a good husband and a good father, so - dadgumit! that's what I'm gonna be. I love my wife Alissa, I love my son Isaac, and I love my daughter Anna Joy. I also love Cara and Mel (our two former cats), but they're not really in the picture anymore since they are indeed "former." Anyway - I would be remiss if I didn't say that I can't wait for Anna to join us, regardless of how God chooses to show up. Oh - He will show up. In fact, he already has.

Does anyone else realize how big this thing has gotten? Granted, we haven't appeared on 60 Minutes, or Oprah, or even the local news channels or papers. No, but our story has spread across our known world in ways we never imagined, and even beyond. Just today, we got a special delivery of Christmas goodies from a young woman that we don't even know! A person who has not met us our Anna (okay - no one has yet, but you know what I mean...), is baking for us! How cool is that?!?!

Also, a dear friend of ours organized a prayer vigil at Mt. View for us. I don't know the exact numbers, but I hear there was a great turnout. By the way, the prayer vigil was going on at about the time we received the call from the doctor about changing the induction date. And if I didn't believe in the power of prayer before (which, by they way, I did), I do know. As we sat and listened to another change that put more stress on this situation, we felt God move into this little hotel room, grab us by the shoulders, look us straight in the eye, and say, "It's going to be all right. I am in control." Wow! Let me say that again: WOW! Yes, we felt God's presence in a very real and tangible way last night. And we can't thank all of you enough for all of the prayers that have been sent heavenward for us and our dear little girl. And Isaac (but not Cara and Mel).

Also, we have been blessed by many of you with financial gifts. I, as the official bread-winner, can't tell you how much of a burden that your bread-providing has lifted from me. I like bread, as does my wife and son. And while I still get bread from my job, eating out, hotel, gas, and various and sundry expenses, not to mention medical bills, adds up pretty quickly. So: Thank you. Let me reiterate that by saying it again: Thank you. Again, THANK YOU.

Okay - okay - okay - I better wrap this up. As you can tell, I'm pretty long-winded when a keyboard is placed under my fingers. Plus, I think my wife is writing a post too as I speak (or, more accurately, write). I'll see if I can beat her to it. Also, apologies if I've written about something that my wife has already written about. But hey - two perspectives is better than one!

Dangit! I just found out my wife posted hers. She won.

Luke 1:37

2011-12-04T20:48:00.000-08:00

Matt & I attended North Seattle Church of the Nazarene this morning and were blessed by the prayers and support of that family once again. We had a wonderful visit from my parents, sister, and our son, Isaac, this afternoon. It's been a good day. And I can honestly say I'm glad we're not checking into the hospital right now as originally planned. I would've been fine with it, but right now I'm happy to be relaxing in our room, savoring the memories we just made with family, and praising God for His peace that I can actually feel around me like a thick blanket.

My mother-in-law has been staying at our house with Isaac, and she has been decorating it for Christmas. This warms my heart so much, as I love Christmas time and was thinking Isaac would miss out on such things this year. Nope! Louise even got a real tree set up in our living room with the help of Matt's brother, Pete. This photo of Louise and Pete's family makes me so thankful. (Isaac was sad for some reason.) Everyone is being so sweet and thoughtful, and we truly appreciate every bit of it.

Pete, Heidi, Madison, Isaac, Louise, & Griffin at our house.

At our home church in Tumwater, WA, there was a prayer vigil held for us and Anna Joy Saturday night. I didn't even know this was happening! I heard about it afterwards, and I can't tell you how overwhelmed I feel by it. My friend, Jessica Adams, put it together, and I want to thank all of you who attended, prayed for us, and wrote us a note or gave monetarily. Matt & I got to open all of your notes this afternoon, and we are speechless. What an outpouring of love we have experienced through God's family! I don't know how people get through trials without the Lord and His people. He certainly is teaching us to accept love and help - something we haven't been good at in the past. I only wish I could've witnessed the prayer vigil myself. I imagine it was absolutely beautiful. The words written in these notecards are priceless. Messages of hope and encouragement we will treasure forever.

Opening the notes & gifts from the prayer vigil.

Here are more photos from this afternoon.

I love time with my boy.

My parents, Cathy & Randy. Love them so much!

We enjoyed the lights at U Village.

My sister, Katie. Such a help! Love her so...

Got to read a bedtime story with Isaac before they left.

This morning at church Pastor Dave Ness spoke on Luke chapter 1. He shared about how Zechariah, Elizabeth, and Mary were given experiences that seemed impossible (namely, bearing children either in old age and barrenness, or as a virgin). The odds screamed that it wasn't possible for them to conceive, yet it happened - all for God's glory and eternal purposes.

The whole story of Jesus and why He came is laced with impossibilities to our human minds. God becoming man (Christ) to reach His beloved creation, being born of a virgin, living a perfect life, performing miracles, dying to reconcile us to God, rising to life again, and now living in us to be His light and love until He returns again... all impossible, right? The odds say it's impossible. No! Not with God. He doesn't do odds... just miracles. He comes to us - each of us - knowing our name and says, "Remember, Alissa, nothing is impossible with me." (Luke 1:37)

This song I've included, "Glorious Impossible", goes through the story I've just summarized. The story of Jesus. He is The Glorious Impossible.

This basically summarizes what I heard from Pastor Dave's message this morning; it was encouraging to me. A great reminder that God is a big God. He is infinitely more powerful than I will ever comprehend. He "is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine." (Ephesians 3:20) He is able to heal my baby girl. He is able to sustain us through whatever happens this week. He is able to use our story for His glory, and will enable us to help others who may need encouragement in the future.

"Praise the wisdom of the Father
Who has spoken through His Son
Speaking still, He calls us to
The Glorious Impossible

Praise, O praise Him, praise the glory
of this lavish grace so full
Lift your souls now and receive
The Glorious Impossible
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Glorious Impossible"

Whatever you are facing, God knows. He longs for you to open your heart and let him step into your life - bringing hope, peace, comfort & joy. He CAN bring those things to you, to your circumstance. He's brought them to me. He has brought his very presence & friendship into my life. He walks with me, step by step. He doesn't always tell me why things go the way they do, but he holds my hand. He gives me reason to trust him. He is good. He is real. He lives!

"Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living
just because He lives"

Change of plans

2011-12-03T19:23:00.000-08:00

Just got a call from our Dr. saying she's received many calls from Seattle Children's Hospital today asking if we can postpone our induction until Thursday, the 8th. Our understanding is they've had a lot of cases come up this weekend and can't clear the operating room or cath lab completely until then. They want to make the path as clear as possible for Anna. Of course, if she comes before then they will get her in and do what is necessary. But as far as planning, the doctors at Children's want to make it as easy as possible to help Anna in any way they can. We appreciate this, of course. It kinda threw us at first, but we realize there's not much we can do about it. We have to keep remembering that God has it all under control and nothing is a surprise to him. So, we'll hang out in our hotel (and at the mall) a few more days. So we'll check in to the hospital Wednesday evening, and hope for delivery by Thursday afternoon.

Thanks for your continued prayers! I'm getting pretty uncomfortable physically, and only surviving emotionally because of all the support from all of you. I SO want my baby to be whole and healthy. I keep begging God to heal her.

Here are some silly photos from today taken while my brother and sis-in-law, Matthew & Kim, were visiting. Hope they bring a smile to you as they do me.

Matt put on the "bump" they have available in the
Motherhood Maternity dressing rooms.

Sister-in-law, Kim, and I.
Her 3rd little girl is due mid-February!

First week in Seattle

2011-12-03T13:47:00.000-08:00

We've been staying in our hotel for a week now. We've made the best of it as our little home away from home. Here is our little Christmas tree, lights, and little Scentsy that helps it smell yummy (thanks, Katie!).

We went to see "Arthur Christmas" Monday evening, and thought it was good. We liked how there was no real villain, just characters trying to figure out their own flaws and motives. Also, I appreciated how they emphasized that every child matters. We both got teary at the end when they peek in on little Gwen still asleep, waiting for Christmas morning. Later we told each other how we both thought of Anna and how much we want to see her grow up and share special moments, like Christmas mornings, with her over the years.

Matt's mom brought Isaac up to visit Tuesday and spent the night. It was great to see him and I think it was good for him to see where we have been. He, and therefore, we didn't sleep very well, so decided it best not to have him spend a 2nd night with us. I bawled when he left again. I have missed him so much, and was hoping to see him again before Anna comes. But we realize it's a lot for me, emotionally & physically, to see him and then have to say goodbye over and over. And he seems to be doing great with Grandma Lou. (Thanks for all you're doing for us and Isaac, Louise! We appreciate it very, very much.)

Our appointment at UW Wednesday was longer and more intense than expected. Doc wanted us to decide on how aggressive we want to be with help/intervention for Anna after she is born. No one should have to decide these things. It's so heart-wrenching to even imagine the possibilities, and then to have to decide on which nightmare we would prefer... not an easy task. But somehow (thanks to all of your prayers) we were able to talk it through, despite the raging emotions and inevitable tears, and come to a place of peace.

Two friends from Olympia came up Wednesday afternoon and had dinner at Macaroni Grill with us. It was nice for me to have some time chatting with girlfriends in our hotel that evening. Thank you, Amanda & Lisa!

Thursday my parents, Randy & Cathy Freeby, came up and spent the day with us. It was comforting to have them here, to spend the day together and share encouraging words we've all received from many of you. We shopped and had lunch at University Village, enjoyed the Christmas lights all around, darling children's shops (Pottery Barn Kids & The Land of Nod), and frozen yogurt at Red Mango. I was worn out!

Yesterday I was actually able to sleep in a bit! We met Dave & Joy Ness (pastors of North Seattle Church of the Nazarene) for lunch. It was such a blessing to spend time with them and hear more of their story. After lunch Matt surprised me with an appointment at Gene Juarez for a manicure, pedicure, and haircut. It was so relaxing. He dropped me off and then went back to do our laundry. I am very blessed by my sweet husband!

I started keeping track of contractions at 7pm last night, and they remained strong and steady for a couple hours. We went to the labor & delivery at UW to get checked out. Doc said I'm probably in early labor, but to go back and try to sleep the rest of the night. Things seemed to calm down after 11pm, and we were able to sleep pretty well.

Today we are taking it easy again. My brother and his wife, Matthew & Kim Freeby, are coming up to visit for a few hours. Yay!

Thanks again for reading, caring, supporting and praying. God is carrying us... one moment at at time... one breath at a time. Anna's arrival is coming very soon. I've had my anxious moments of panic, but mostly have been pretty calm as I depend on the Lord's strength. I keep reading over the scriptures many of you have shared with us, keep singing the songs of truth God has blessed us with.

I have so much more on my heart I want to write about. Maybe I'll get to share again later tonight.

Bye for now...

God's Hands

2011-11-28T22:35:00.000-08:00

We had a great time staying with my aunt and uncle, Pam & Doug Walker, over Thanksgiving weekend in Auburn, WA. They are so easy to spend time with and talk to - we sincerely appreciate their hospitality and truly made us feel at home. We love you guys!

Matt & I are now staying in a hotel in Seattle, enjoying some down time while we wait for Anna's arrival. Isaac will come visit us over the next couple of days, which we are looking forward to since we've missed his company.

We attended North Seattle Church of the Nazarene yesterday morning, and felt so welcomed and loved on. Pastor Dave Ness had already shared our story with some of the members, and told the congregation about us while we were there, so many came up to us after the service offering encouragement, prayers, and support. The family of God is truly beautiful.

My sister and her husband came up from Olympia to visit us yesterday afternoon. It was great to see familiar faces and be somewhat distracted for a few hours. Thanks, Katie & Jason! Yes, I'm in a wheelchair in this photo. Jason had fun pushing me around, and hey, I've gotta take advantage of all the help I can get. :)

Something that keeps coming to mind and carrying me through is the truth that Anna is in God's hands. Everything about her coming is unknown to us, but not to Him. She's always been in His hands, and that's the best place any of us can be. Not only is Anna in God's hands, but so am I. He's caring for me in ways only He can. He's holding me close, enveloping me with peace that I can't explain. A dear friend, Lauren Gubbe, gave this cross to me several weeks ago, which I have hanging in my kitchen so I've seen it numerous times a day since.

Every time I've passed it, it's helped me breathe a little bit easier. A gentle reminder to surrender this entire journey to His loving and perfect plan again. God's hands are strong, gentle, capable, powerful, caring, creative, and good.

Isaiah 40:11
He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.

In my head I'm singing the song "You Hold My World" by Israel Houghton.
Some of the lyrics are...

Take my heart
Lord, will you take my heart
As I surrender to Your will
I confess You are my righteousness
And until You move me I'll be still
And know that You are God

You hold my world in Your hands
You hold my world in Your hands and
I am amazed at Your love
I am amazed that You love me

You hold my world in Your hands
You hold my world in Your hands and
I'm not afraid, my world is safe
In Your Hands Oh
In Your hands

You won't let go of me
You won't let go of me
You won't let go of me
You won't let go, never let go

You will take care of me
You will take care of me
You will take care of me

Update by Matt

2011-11-24T10:33:00.000-08:00

So, here we are in Auburn, getting ready to celebrate Thanksgiving. We had another appointment yesterday at UW. But that was after we went to St. Peter's Hospital in Lacey Tuesday night because Alissa had about 11 contractions in an hour. And before you all start freaking out thinking "What!?!? They're in labor?!?!" I'll tell you that we are not in labor. Actually, there's no "we" involved, is there? It's "she's" in labor...

Yes, we went to St. Pete's, they checked Alissa out, monitored the baby for a while, and said "Yer okay - go home and sleep. Go to your regularly scheduled appointment tomorrow." They gave Alissa a magic pill to help her sleep (I asked for one too, but they wouldn't give me one (sigh...)). So we got home at 2:30am, called the select few we notified before we left that we were okay, and went to sleep.

On a side note: At St. Pete's, the doctor on call was someone we had dealt with before, and she was pretty gruff in our previous engagements. So we were a little nervous about having her take care of us. However, when she came in, she was great! Just another one of those God-moments. I'm pretty sure all of those prayers that you and yours have sent heavenward helped make the horrible-bedside-mannered doctor into a warm-and-caring-bedside-mannered doctor. Thank you!!

Now - back to the story - we are residing for a few days in the home of Alissa's gracious aunt and uncle, Pam and Doug Walker. None of their kids came home for Thanksgiving, so we thought we would have the run of the house. However, Alissa's Grandma and Grandpa (who I call Trouble 1 and Trouble 2) decided to come over. Had I known they were coming over, I might have moved direct to the hotel, but hey - whaddya do?

Some of you may be asking: what now? Well, we'll keep moving forward with the regularly scheduled program - which is stay here in Auburn this weekend, move to Seattle Saturday or Sunday (we booked a hotel), stay there until Sunday, Dec. 4th, then check into the hospital for the induction ceremony.

Another question some of you may ask is: What entails inducing Alissa? Well, the short answer is: it depends. (Anyone notice I've used a lot of : things in this post? me too...). They may give her something on Sunday night, but then again, they may give her something Monday morning. It just depends on what Alissa's cervix looks like. Either way, we hope to have Anna on Monday the 5th.

Aaaannd - the waiting game continues. Alissa has been doing pretty good since the "episode" on Tuesday night. We're going to try and let her just sit back and relax this weekend. As such, I may declare a cell-phone holiday for her. So if you send her a text, and she doesn't respond, it's not because she is ignoring you, it is because I have confiscated the dratted device and rendered it temporarily inoperable. Now, don't get me wrong, we certainly appreciate all of the well-wishing, prayers, scripture, concern, and general checking-in-on-her, but she does need to be able to not have the stress of responding to the copious amounts of texts that she is getting. So if you really need to know something, contact the people listed in the side bar on this blog - or anyone else in our family, who should have up-to date information. I guess you can contact me, but there's no promises that 1) I'll respond, 2) you'll get the info you need (I am, after all, a guy, and as such just don't know it all...), or 3) you will like or appreciate my response. Also, there's no need to panic. If we go into labor early, you will know. One way or another, you will know.

I also suppose all of you were expecting me to write about what I'm thankful for, since it is actually Thanksgiving. So, I guess I'll do the expected. I'm thankful for my wonderful, strong, steady, gracious, peaceful wife. She has been such a trooper during this whole ordeal. From the first moment we heard Anna may have heart issues, she has placed her trust in God. We've taken body blow after body blow, and even a few uppercuts, and she has remained steadfast in her faith in God.

I'm thankful for my in-laws. They have been stupendous in helping us out. Specifically, I'd like to thank Randy for praying for me since probably before Alissa was born. "uhhh...what?" you may ask. Well, I was told when Alissa and I got married that Randy had prayed for Alissa's husband since before she was born. Of course, I think his prayers were directed more towards providing a good husband for her, but I believe that those prayers were reciprocal for me too. After all, if I was to be a good one for her (some people tell me I am, so I'm not tooting my own horn, but just retelling what others are saying, so there!), then she was going to be a good one for me. So thank you, Randy.

Then there's Katie. What a saint! And no - Katie - I'm not going to let you try and deflect my praises like you normally do. I absolutely forbid you to wave it off like it's nothing. It is something, and you have made our journey that much smoother. So accept my thanks and know that your administrative skills have been put to use in a wonderful, and successful way. Criminy! I'm getting teary just writing this. Thank you!

I'm thankful for my family. While we're spread across the northwest, they have been with us through it all. Mom even cancelled her normal grandchild watching duties in Idaho to resume the same duties here in Washington. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!

And yes - there are a lot of other family members, not to mention non-family members, who have been helpful. So in the sake of keeping this post somewhat short (yeah, right!!!!) I'll just do the Academy Award version: thank you to all of you, and sorry for those I either forgot or just didn't mention. There, is that good?

I'm thankful for football, good books and movies, computer games, and cats.

I'm thankful for my God, who has sustained me and showed me the true meaning of having the peace that surpasses understanding. I wish I could describe that peace, but the further we get along in this chapter of our story, the more I'm convinced I can't describe it. If you've never gone through a difficult time, you can't understand. If you have, you likely can. Much like a parent can't describe their love for their child to a non-parent, I can't explain what God's peace means. So, I apologize. And I while I can hope you never have to exprience His peace in this manner, I have faith that you can if you have to.

Love you all, and thankful that we have such a great group of people surrounding us. Oh - I forgot - thanks for our small group! You have all been spectacular and gracious enough to take us under your wings and shelter us!!! I'm kinda surprised, knowing that I give you all too much lip in our weekly meetings. Even so, thank you.

Here's another way someone can help out: pay for a class so I can learn to keep my writing short and succint. Geez! I'm long-winded, aren't I?

I'm not ready

2011-11-19T21:01:00.000-08:00

My breath caught in my chest this evening when the calendar told me that I have to leave my little home in Tumwater in just 3 days. I'm not ready. I need to pack, yes - but that will get done somehow. I'm not ready to face the inevitable. I'm not ready to have a baby! I'm not ready to leave my toddler son for days at a time, missing his giggles, waddle-run, new words, and loves. I want things to stay "normal". I want to celebrate Thanksgiving without the pending unknown always weighing down in the back of my mind. I want to put up Christmas decorations and start baking after Thanksgiving like years past. But this will be a holiday season like no other, and God has always known what 2011 would hold for me.

After the quick onset of anxiousness seeing the calendar, I was reminded that leaving home comforts doesn't mean leaving God's presence. He goes with me. He goes before me. His Spirit, His angels, the prayers of His people all go with me wherever I must go. One step at a time, one breath at a time...

I'm not ready, but Jesus is. He will carry me.

Psalm 62:5-6

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

Deuteronomy 31:8

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

The God of quarterbacks

2011-11-10T12:44:00.000-08:00

By Matt Peppley (Anna's daddy)

Okay – I'm going to get a little philosophical here. I'm sure the only reason I passed philosophy in college was because the professor played baseball with my dad when they were in college, but that doesn't mean I can't get philosophical, right?

So, here we go. The interesting thing about decisions is that lots of people will give you advice on what you should do, whether or not you ask them. But – here's the interesting part – none of those same people will make the decision for you, no matter how much you ask. Why is that? Simply put (here's the philosophy part…), because no one wants to make tough decisions! Especially if there is something major on the line – like life or death. After all, what if that person is wrong and death ensues? Who wants to live with that, right?

That being said, some people are paid to make decisions. Quarterbacks on the football field, firemen in a burning building, case workers in the system, and surgeons hovering over an operating table. These people typically relish what they do. Interesting, fun, challenging, whatever it is that drives them to do what they do, they often are successful at what they do.

Sadly, Alissa and I are neither getting paid to make this decision, nor are we relishing this decision we have to make for little Anna Joy. I'm sure I could ask again, but I know no one will decide for us. Sigh…

At least we have a God who is bigger than all of this. The God of the quarterback, surgeon, case worker, and fireman is the same God for Alissa, Isaac, Anna and I.

PHILOSOPHICAL SIDETRACK WARNING –Can God be the God of both the quarterback and the defensive back? If both pray, which one does he answer? If both athletes can do all things through Christ who gives them strength, what if both sides are Christians? It's too bad so many Christian athletes use that verse so often. Not only is it a self-canceling prayer (assuming someone on the other side is praying the same prayer), but it is used completely out of context. Does the athlete realize that Paul is writing about living in need and want, and being able to praise God in either situation? How does that apply to playing in an athletic competition? I'll never know and eternally regret using that verse to get through my athletic career…

Okay – okay, I'll get off my soapbox and back to Anna.

Where was I? Uhh…let's see…oh, yeah – God being our God. Actually – the above paragraph may be a good segway. God is our God in the good and bad. Alissa and I have had some good times, and this is definitely a bad time. I'm pretty sure we praised God in the good times, and as difficult as these last few months have been, we've still been able to praise God. Granted, we've questioned, cried, begged, stomped our feet in fits of temper-tantrums, and much more – but we've more or less managed to remain firmly rooted and grounded in His love.

So, after all of this rambling, I'm sure some of you are thinking: when in this great, green world is he going to get to The Decision? Sorry to say, but we haven't gotten to one as of this writing. So, you may have to wait for the next post to find out. That being said, I'll give you my thoughts.

Mind you, I haven't articulated these to my wife yet, but I'll let her read this before we post it. So sometime after it's posted, we might be able to give you an answer. BUT – we do have until Nov 16. You might have to wait for then to find out. So there. Neener-neener.

Here are my thoughts: Just this afternoon Isaac sat in his chair, happily and messily devouring a peanut butter and honey sandwich, goldfish crackers, and mac and cheese. As he yammered, I stopped, grabbed my wife, and gave her a hug. As we held each other I started to cry. All I could think was "I don't want to lose her." Anna – not Alissa. Well, I don't want to lose her either, but I was thinking about Anna when I was hugging Alissa. If you didn't follow that, it's okay. I don't think I do either…

Well, I told Alissa I didn't want to lose Anna. So she started crying too. Isaac, for his credit, kept yammering and playing with his food. Alissa said she didn't want to lose our baby girl either. She said she keeps picturing another blondie running around with Isaac here at the house.

It was sometime during that long hug and tear-filled exchange that I decided I wanted to do everything I could to provide that dream for my wife, myself, and Isaac all to enjoy.

A little while later, I sat on one of our comfy couches (the ones I purchased all by myself before Alissa and I ever met – and yes, I'm really proud of them, and still ecstatic that Liss has let me keep them this long), I watched Alissa sitting on the floor amidst a pile of baby shower gifts. She was sorting through them. Isaac sat next to her, intensely interested in everything she was doing. She instructed him on what tape was after he pulled off a rather long strip of it. She asked him to throw away something in the garbage (which he did! So cute!). She showed him this and that, interacting with him as she went through Anna's presents. And I couldn't help but think: what a good mom! I hope she gets to do that with Anna too!

Bam! Another confirmation moment that I wanna help little Anna Joy if I can.

If I can…such simple little words, yet - - not so simple. What can I do, after all? Probably the hardest thing I can imagine, I guess: just let the doctors take her right after she's born, hook her up to a bunch of wires, and put her in a warmed plastic box. Hold her in my arms? Nope. Cradle her in my warm embrace? Nope. Let her fall asleep on my chest? Nope.

I suppose there is another thing I can do. I can still wait on my God, the God of the quarterback, defensive back, the surgeon, the fireman. Oh – and the case worker too. Even though the doctors still tell us she has problems, God could still heal her. It's still possible that when she's born, the hospital staff will look at her and say "uhh…she's turning pink. She's not supposed to do that! Let's take a look (short interlude while they get the ultrasound wand out, squirt some jelly on her chest, and fine tune the instrument on her heart). Oh, my gosh, she has a whole heart! And her veins are dumping right into the heart, just like it's supposed to! Look, there's that one vein that was supposed to be obstructed, but it's not even connected anymore! I guess her body doesn't need it anymore!"

Then Randy dances a jig, Katie checks on Alissa to make sure she's okay, and Joe collapses in a heap of blubbering tears, and Isaac just yammers on, quite oblivious to the drama happening around him. Anna's placed in her momma's arms and her dad just sits back and smiles. He was, after all, a quarterback. And since God is the God of quarterbacks…

"Trust me"

2011-11-04T14:04:00.000-07:00

So many times God has reminded me of how He feels for me or taught me a lesson on perspective as I have parented Isaac over the last year and a half. This morning I experienced another of those moments.

Isaac is getting into the stage where he throws fits if he doesn't get his way. Simple things that were once no big deal have become dramatic fights of will. Lots of tears, screaming, twisting out of my grip... you get the picture.

This morning I told him "no" and he was not accepting it well. I said, "Isaac, when Mommy says 'no' it's for a reason. Trust me!"

It immediately hit me. How many times have I cried and fought God's ways, striving to be released from His grip when it's exactly where I need to be? I'm not hearing what I want to hear from Him, so I let Him know that I'm angry. Don't you see my tears? I don't approve of how You're handling things right now, or what You're telling me to do, or how it appears things are going for me. That's just it... "how it appears" to me is completely different than how it appears to Him.

Same for Isaac. He doesn't understand why I tell him "no". But I have a logical, healthy, safe reason. I have his best interest in mind. I can see what he needs. His 19-month-old perspective is so limited compared to what I can see as his mama.

So I let him cry. Fight. But I still do what is best for him. I don't always pick him up when he asks. Sometimes it's the right moment to show him what I'm working on, and other times it's not safe for him to see from my perspective.

I've been wanting to know what God is up to in this journey with Anna. Are you going to heal her? Am I going to have to say goodbye to my precious baby? Lord, I don't approve of what You're doing here! Please let me see from Your perspective. Up! Up! Pick me up!

He'll show me when it's time. Right now He says, "Everything I do has a purpose, and I know what needs to be done. Trust me. Someday you'll see. But for now, you need to rest in knowing I'm your daddy, and I want nothing but the best for you."

The best. God's best is often different than our best. He has such a bigger picture than we do. But He still stays close, walking before, after, and with us every step of the way. Comforting when we don't understand the purpose of the painful fight, the tears of confusion and disappointment.

Just like I say to Isaac when he's upset, "Shhh... it's ok, Buddy. Mama's here..." God the Father says to me, "Shh... it's ok, Love. I am here. I AM." Rocking me in His arms, wiping my tears that keep falling. His heart bursting with love as He looks at my face He created and longs for me to accept the peace He offers.

"Trust me."