Journal Entries

Some authentic prayers, feelings, thoughts from my handwritten journal... 

September 10, 2011
   Thank you for being intimately involved in our life. There are so many people in the world to pay attention to and love and orchestrate things for. Thank you for being so close to us - to me - even now. I am hurting. My baby girl is moving like crazy inside me right now. She is safe. We have been told that as soon as she enters this outside world and takes her first breath, she'll be very sick and need immediate testing and surgery... if the doctors think they can help her. I'm not ok with this. She needs to come out and scream from healthy heart and strong lungs. She will have perfect pink coloring, and be put on my chest. She will be cleaned & swaddled and given back to me to cuddle & nurse. I want to bring her home after a few of days and put her in the cradle that's beside my bed. 
   Put her back together, God. Do your amazing work - easy for you - and connect her veins and chambers and blood flow so that she doesn't need surgery. Oh, Father, my heart is aching so! Please heal my daughter. I don't want to walk this road. I don't want to take another step toward the negative possibilities. I truly believe you can fix her. Nothing is impossible for you. HEAL MY PRECIOUS BABY GIRL!!! I'm going to ask you every day. I know you hear me. Please honor my request. Hear and act on this mother's plea. I'm desperate for you. Show me hope. Help me breathe.
   I need to sleep. But my heart won't stop pleading with you. The story of how this child was conceived is a true miracle. Don't you have more planned for her? Show us your power and glory, Lord God. Reconstruct my baby's heart while she is in my womb. May I be a clean vessel, a welcoming home for Your Spirit. Take away the darkness in me. Fear, pride, anger, bitterness... I know I have fears. Cleanse me with your perfect love. Lead me to Your truth. Show me in Your Word what you want me to see and learn. Give me peace somehow. Somehow...
   Help me to think of good things, beautiful memories, uplifting truths, helpful dreams. I don't welcome the imaginings of bad possibilities that only increase fear and anxiety. Help me battle those nightmares.
   Show me how to be real with people, and who to share with.
   Guide me in this process. Show me how to reach out these next several weeks and not isolate. Give me strength. I can't do anything without You. 

October 1, 2011
   My heart is broken. I can't believe this is actually happening in my life. Surreal. Yet I ache. Numb. Yet my body feels the hurt.
   Why did You make Anna's heart this way? Are You going to heal it? Why give us a miracle conception and then let us be drug through such turmoil over her life? Why would You choose me to carry her if You're going to take her? Why go through the labor and delivery when birthing her into this world is what brings her the most challenge? No! No, Lord. I don't want to. I'm terrified. Weary. This is so heavy. Why another challenge? Really? I'm so desperate for You. So lost, so hurt. I'm mad at You, Father. I do know You love me, but... Seriously? It's hard to accept we're truly having the conversations we are.
    I know I must keep surrendering to You. We're all better off in Your hands. Guard my mind and heart and soul. Don't let Satan rob any bit of joy or peace or purpose. Show me something of You. Show me Your glory.
   I'm scared of delivering Anna. I'm scared she won't live long. I'm scared I won't get to cuddle her close. I'm scared I won't get to see her look into my face. I don't want to watch her die. I don't want her to suffer. I don't want to see her struggling, all hooked up to machines. HEAL HER, GOD! Please. Please. I'm so sad. So sad. I hardly breathe.  I need strength. 
   Lord, thank You for all the people praying for us. Thank You for getting us through another day. Thank You for never leaving us. Thank You for the miracle of Anna, and the blessing of carrying her, feeling her grow and move. Thank You for Matt. Thank You for Isaac. Thank You for your word. Thank You for sleep...

October 8, 2011
   Thank you for friends. I am learning to let them into my life more. I have a long way to go, but it's been good for me to have all the visits, calls, texts, emails, meals brought...
   This afternoon several girlfriends gathered at Jenny's... 
   When I held Lillybeth, I was so hit by how much I want Anna to be healthy and be able to hold her and enjoy her. I didn't want to give her up. I was praying in my heart as I held her that I'd be able to do that with Anna and watch other people enjoy her as well.
   I want this baby, God, and I want her to be well. I know you can heal her; it's not too hard for You. You are Creator of everything and You hold it ALL in Your hands. Fix Anna Joy's heart, Father. Please! 
   You tell us to believe, have faith, ask for anything in Your name...
   I believe you can heal her. I can't wait to see how You'll use her story.
   It's such a constant mix of emotions. Believing for a miracle, and then trying to be OK with losing her to heaven. How do I find the balance and "rejoice in all things" when imagining such a loss is so painful? To be thankful in whatever circumstances we find ourselves in - to walk joyfully on the path God has called us to, setting ourselves aside for His purposes...

October 23, 2011
   "You hold my world in Your hands... You won't let go of me... You will take care of me..." Thanks. 
   I'm still scared. I feel more panic as the days and weeks pass, bringing us closer to Anna's delivery. A baby's coming is supposed to be a positive, joyful event. Please let hers be this somehow. Right now I picture it as high-stress, anxious, all emergency, quick decisions, draining intense emotions, etc. Please bring calm, peace and rest into her birth story. 
   Show me how to deal with what I need to. Help me find the balance of destraction and processing. Guide me to the right friends in this time. Or bring them to me. May Matt find the support he needs. Give him strength.
    I don't want Anna to die. Please touch her little body and heal her, Father. You can! You are all-powerful. Open her veins, organize them properly, and complete her chambers. It seems unreal that this is happening. Are we really going to have to do this? Lord, I'm so desperate for You. 
   How would I survive losing her?
   Carrying her all theses months - beautiful. Her conception story - amazing. I give you glory already for all You've done in her life. 
   I feel weary just thinking about the future. How will I have the physical & emotional strength to push her out? Will I be able to hold her long? How will I let her go to be taken to Children's? And to see Matt go, too... Please orchestrate things so we don't have to make unnecessary decisions. Help me breathe.
   I'm so lost. So sad. 
   But here is HOPE

November 3, 2011
   I need You. I cry out for help. This is too much. You have to step in and provide strength. You'll have to show me what to do day by day - even moment by moment. 
   I don't want to leave home. I don't want Isaac to be ripped around. 
   Please give us a peace and calm each day as we do what we must in the next few weeks. Twenty days. I miss home already. 
  I'm overwhelmed by what we're facing with Anna. I have fears of delivery, of not being able to hold her, of what may happen to her, of the pressure on Matt, of dealing with family and friends, of how Isaac will do, of where we'll stay, of how we'll pay for everything...
   Take over, God. Take it. Give me strength to do what I must TODAY. Care for Isaac, do dishes, and laundry, etc.
   Hold me. Rock me. 
   I'm so scared. So exhausted.
   Give me someone to cry with with the right personality.
   Lift Matt up. Give him your peace and strength today. He has to work a job that is so shallow and frustrating, especially when we're facing what we are. Help him to focus, yet rise above. Let the time at work go fast for him. 
   Carry us, Lord. We are so weak and frail.
   Thank you for doctors and nurses that care and are thorough and sensitive. Thank you for all the people praying for us.
   Show me how to help someone else - to encourage or support.
   May your light fill me even as we walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Fill me so it shines on others and they see your love and goodness. 
   Please renew hope in me.
   Show me your heart in this.