Thursday, March 8, 2012

my turn...

Welcome back to the show. It's me, Mr. Peppley.

Can you believe it was three months ago that precious little Anna Joy was born? Yup. Just three short months. But...it feels like it's been about three years. I think we are still in slow-motion. Not as "super slow motion" as we once were, but still perty darn slow. I'd say while we used to be about as slow as molasses in January (if anyone can accurately tell me that movie, I'll send you a ten dollar bill!), we are now about as slow as real maple syrup at room temperature.

Anyways ... does anyone besides my wife get tired of my poor attempts at humor? If so, please tell me and I'll put myself out of your misery. Until then, you will get more. Ha. So there.

Yes, we miss Anna Joy. Lots. And missing her still hurts. Lots. But there's always a "but" when we feel our hurts. Let me 'splain-no, let me summup. Pretty much my whole life I've had an intimate relationship with the hymn "It is well." You know, the one that has the sea billows rolling? And saying whatever the cost, I'll say it is well (it is well), with my soul? Ya, that one. Well, while I have always loved that song, I've always asked myself "when the time comes, and the sea billows are...billowing, will I indeed be able to say 'it is well with my soul?'" Well (no pun intended), I think I can honestly say that through dealing with Anna's whole story, I have been (more or less) able to say that I have praised God through it all.

Have I doubted? Yes. Have I cried out in anguish? Yes. Have I been angry? Yes. But - I have also tried my darndest to stay true to the God who loves me.

So there you go. Or there you have it. Or take it for what it's worth. But please don't think I'm bragging about my phenomenal Christianity abilities, that are able to bend a bow of bronze. No no no no no no nononono. I'm just a guy who faced a storm, and am able to look into the smiling, crying face of Jesus, and say "I love you. With all my heart."

I still miss my baby girl. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I am jealous of her, though. See, she gets to be with Jesus right now. I can't wait to get there. What a glorious day that will be.

11 comments:

  1. Hi Matt! Good to hear from you. I love that hymn too, and like you have always wondered if I'll ALWAYS be able to sing it with sincerity. Truthfully, I almost always cry through it, rather than sing it, but the words are so powerful and true. I pray for you daily, and wonder how you're feeling, what you're thinking, what it must be like to try to rejoin "normal" life (I know there's no such thing). It's so good to know you're supported/sustained by this underlying peace that comes only from a relationship with God, Three months - it does seem longer in some ways, and still like "just yesterday". I don't think any of us knows fully the impact that this journey has had/will have, but I know it's been profound in my prayer life, and in a bunch of big and little ways too numerous to mention here. I was telling a friend the other day that it has made me more aware that we just don't know what people are carrying. The driver who seems distracted, the clerk who barely makes eye contact, and on and on - kindness can't hurt, and patience is the least I can give. I need it myself. I hope you are not feeling the need to rush through your process of grief and healing. Every person has their own journey and there is no timeline. I suspect the healing only BEGINS while we wait for the reunion with Anna and Jesus. Much love to you!

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  2. Gone with the Wind

    I am praying for your family, for healing and strength.

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  3. I don't know about the molasses quote, but I know the other is Princess Bride!!! Well done incorporating that into your writing, too, btw, best I've seen! ;p You are very funny Matt, atleast I think so, and I am proud if I am the only one to tell you that! ;p Praying daily... Jess Adams :)

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  4. Thanks for sharing Matt....think of and pray for you often.

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  5. Dear Matt,
    I'm trivia challenged, but I really like the way you express yourself, and I think you have a quirky sense of humor which brightens everything you write. I have missed reading your posts, but am glad you have taken the time to share with us again your journey and what God's showing you through this time of deep sadness. Thank you for being real. I continue to lift you up in prayer. Jeremiah 29:11 comes to mind when I think about you. I don't know why specifically that verse, but maybe you needed to read that tonight. Hugs Kathy K

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  7. Matt~
    You can keep your $10, just in case you encounter the tongue of a snake...(Romancing the Stone). At times of sorrow some cope with humor, so it's all good. It has only been three months, but it does seem longer than that since we met you both. Here's a movie quote for you and for your $10 back...The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days..blah, blah, blah...I guess our humor is similar.
    I guess because we are only human, we often question God's work. Being a father to two healthy children, I find myself often questioning why God chose to allow Jacob to have such a hard life these past four and a half months. I really have no reason to doubt the works of God since we at least get to go through the daily routines of sick/not sick, tube feeding/bottle feeding, etc. I have never lost a child, although we were close several times with Jacob, so can't imagine what your feelings must be on a daily basis.
    In the end, I'm glad you're still smiling, as we all know Anna is doing the same down on all of us whose lives were changed because of her 11 days with us here on earth and the many more to come in our hearts. We continue to pray and keep you all on our minds.

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  8. I feel led to tell you that God has placed you on my heart in recent days. I cannot begin to imagine how long and arduous this journey has been, and continues to be, for you all. Please know, however, that God is using the prayers of His people to carry you in the hardest of times and those times that are less difficult. God be with you - and may he hold you a little closer today!

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  9. Hello, Matt. Hello, Alissa. I am praying you have peace as Jesus holds you close tonight.

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  10. I'm still praying for you guys-- strength for today and hope for tomorrow.

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  11. Matt, you are on my heart tonight. I just wanted you to know I am praying for you. Thank you for sharing your journey, for letting others see your grief so that we can pray for you and surround you with the love of God's family. It takes courage to be transparent in life's little struggles, but to be transparent when you are carried away on waves of grief, in a well of deep sorrow requires a strength that only God can provide. I am blessed watching you both continue to live out your testimony for all to see. I hope you will be able to post again soon. Hugs! Kathy K

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