A few journal entries from 6 months ago.
Taken directly from the journal I write in for Anna, before I went to see her that day:
Monday, December 19, 2011
There's so much I want to say to you; it's hard to know where to start. You are so beautiful... in more ways than one. God created you to be beautiful physically - your features are proportioned and pretty. Round head, dark hair, perfect eyebrows, sweet little nose, pretty lips, full cheeks, little round chin... long fingers and toes...
Your toes are a cute mix of Daddy & I. You have the longer 2nd toe and space like me, but I've notice your 2nd toe sometimes rises higher than your big toe, which is like Daddy. Your arms, legs, and shoulders & back are so soft. I can't touch you enough.
The nurses are saying you have sensitive skin - some of the tapes and things are causing red spots & irritation. Isaac has sensitive skin, too.
But you're also beautiful because of the glory of God you bestow. It's obvious Jesus is holding you. Many souls have been drawn closer to God because of your story. I'm so honored to be your mother. You are my hero.
I love every bit of you. I long to hold you close, kiss you all over, nurse you, bathe you, dress you...
What a gift you are, Anna!
I love to see you move. Your toes, your grip on my finger, your blinking eyes, your puckering or suckling lips...
I'm pretty sure you have a slight dimple on your right lower check. So cute.
I pray for God to heal you constantly. May he help your little body function correctly. In the powerful name of Christ Jesus, I pray those veins in your lungs grow and stretch so your body can pump blood efficiently.
You are so precious. I don't know how to express the depth of my love for you.
Taken directly from my personal journal, still hadn't seen her...
Monday, Dec. 19, 2011
How do You want to speak to me today, Lord? Your Word, Your Spirit, Your presence, Your people, my husband, son, daughter, other family...? I open my heart to You - desperate for You. Longing for Your touch on my sweet baby, and on my own spirit as I wait on You. Provide grace for the moment. Strength for this day. We're depending on You - hoping in You. It's hard to give Anna to You. But it seems like it shouldn't be. She's in the best care in Your hands. I just love her so much. This hurts so badly, Lord. Carry me.
Touch Matt & bring him health. Don't let him get depressed.
We need Your touch. We cry out for Your supernatural touch, Father. Step in with Your power. Stretch her tiny lung veins so she can pump blood & live.
So many are praying for Anna to be healed. You hear every prayer. There are children praying for her. There are people coming back to you who haven't prayed in a long time. There are those praying who don't know you personally, but pray anyway. May they come to know You, Jesus!
It doesn't seem right for her to die with all the people watching & hoping. I have to trust that You know what is best for Anna, for us, for all the people watching. But it's so hard...
Show Matt & I what to do when faced with tough decisions. We don't want to have to decide these things. Please make things clear. Obviously clear & total peace-filled. It sickens me.
Christmas is coming. Just a week away. What are you going to do this week? Keep providing strength.
And from the journal for Anna again, after she was gone. I couldn't sleep...
My forever daughter -
You are with Jesus now. You left us around 6:45 this evening. I'm so thankful we had time with you. We all got to hold you before you were gone, then you passed away in my arms - resting snuggly between Daddy & I. I'm going to miss you so much. I can't believe I'll never get to hold your hand, kiss you, or stroke your eyebrows ever again. Oh, sweet girl... Mama loves you so much, and I miss you already.
We were blessed with 11 days with you. And I'm truly happy for you. I rejoice that you're in heaven. You are so fortunate to be with our Father & Jesus. You're going to experience your first Christmas in heaven. I can only imagine what it's going to be like. You are whole and healthy now. I'm so glad. It's a burden lifted knowing you're well and perfect and dancing for Jesus. Your life brought people closer to Him, and I'm honored to be your mama. My arms will always ache for you. Daddy & I will always miss you.