Monday, April 22, 2013

The Insteads

Familiar thoughts:
  • I long to hold my sweet baby girl.
  • I want to see Isaac play with her.
  • I want to watch Matt rock her to sleep and make her laugh.
  • I wanted to get portraits of my kids together.
  • I long to buy her clothes and dress her - oh, she'd be so cute! I pretty much tear up every single time I walk by baby girl clothes in stores.
  • I want to see her interact with her cousins. 
  • I ache to witness my parents loving on her as she grows.
But, no. 
My time with her will be sometime in the distant future. Our forever future!

So, instead...
  • I touch her giraffe that has blood stains and rock her pink bear unfulfilled.
  • Isaac asks to see her photo in my locket, and carries her stuffed animals around.
  • Matt struggles to get through workdays, and we both look to God for help through feeling 'stuck'.
  • I study now year-old photos, and cherish the few we have of all four of us together.
  • I avoid looking at the few unworn outfits we have, and feel my heart break again.
  • I observe my son interact with cousins, and wonder how Anna's story might improve theirs.
  • My parents go on day by day... loving the grandkids who are still here with a love that has deepened because of Anna Joy.
Never enough here, but that is ever reminding me of there...

Waiting, aching with HOPE...

2 Corinthians 4:18
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.


  1. I love your honest reflections, Alissa. You are in my prayers all the time, you are so loved, so cared about, Anna is NEVER forgotten, and I know God has something amazing on the horizon for you. You have the most wonderful attitude and I so admire your faith in the Lord, even when you can't see what He's doing. We are here with you and here for you. Love you SO MUCH.

  2. needed to read this today. Thank you for continuing to pour into others with the words that pour out of you. I know the feelings are painful, but as the reading of the words brings a special kind of "peace/hope" I hope the writing of them does the same.

  3. Each sad memory, each beautiful memory, as you write and so lovingly share with others is literally bringing you one step closer to seeing your blessed little girl again. The distance shortens each day.