I've been weeping through this album lately. It's by Matt Hammitt, lead singer from Sanctus Real, whose son was born with HLHS (one of the same defects Anna had). View their website at bowensheart.com.
Check out this one called "Trust":
Even in the darkness
Even in the questions
Even when the hardest times of life are at hand
Even in the darkness
Even in the questions
Even in the times when I'm not meant to understand
Not meant to understand. Hmmm...
These aren't easy words to say. Trusting in these times is a sacrifice of praise.
Please, friends, remind me of His goodness. Tell me of His love. Show me the light.
* * *
This one on the same album called "Little Light" is by Audrey Assad, and fits Anna so well. Many of the lines express thoughts and conversations we had around Anna (how I saw Jesus bend and love her through my tummy before she was born, how it seemed Anna was looking at "someone" when she first opened her eyes after surgery, how angels were attending her, how she's been such a LIGHT for Christ... etc...) Simply beautiful!
Lis, these are beautiful. That line in Trust "Even in the times when I'm not meant to understand" is so profound and challenging. I suspect you will hear of HIs goodness, love and light in response to this post. Maybe enough reminders all bundled up together will bring you some encouragement. I've been so thankful for our family through this whole process. Without enumerating them all here, just considering all the individual journeys and knowing that there is a lasting love that binds us all together is humbling and inspires a deep sense of gratitude in me. That's a gift from God. There's a sense of grounding there when I feel a little out of control. I'll think of more - but there's ONE. Love you so much.
ReplyDeleteAlissa, as one of Wendy's friends, I have been grateful and moved by you and by your family's willingness to share your experience. I am just one more soul who has been touched by your precious Anna Joy. I am constantly blown away by how God binds us (even we who have never met) together in his family.
ReplyDeleteThese lyrics you shared remind me how "trust" has been the lesson God has been teaching me through years of painful mental/behavioral/physical issues with 2 of my 3 kids (now 21 and 19). At one of my darkest points, I found this verse that I believe God threw to me like a lifeline:
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." ~Romans 15:13
I am also a friend of Wendy's. I, too, have lost a child but in a different way. I know the hole it leaves behind and the questions that try to fill it. I walk each day by faith, not by sight, and definitely not by feeling. There are no adequate words for such a loss; they all sound hollow. I say only this: I'm so sorry about your darkness. You do not stand alone.
ReplyDeleteYou and Matt continue to be on my mind and heart, and I am still praying and will continue to. I think I wrote these verses before but I keep coming back to them.
ReplyDelete"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name. You are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. . .since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I LOVE YOU, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid for I am with you." Isaiah 43:2-5
And then, this may sound like a weird one, but this verse is talking about Abraham and even though what God had promised him seemed unreachable and unattainable, he had faith.
"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." Romans 4:20-21
I know that God has promised to be with us, and I believe He has such great plans for your life. I know that God has the power to continue to bring you and Matt healing and although at this time, and maybe on certain days, it may not seem possible, I believe that it is. And on days that it seems impossible, rely on God, rely on your family, rely on friends, rely on His word. I believe that God has given you each of those things (friends, family, etc) as a means to feel His love.
"Little Light" is so beautiful. I have never heard that before. It sounds like it was written just for sweet Anna. Each line was so powerful, but I really love the ones that say "the angels must be breathless at your beauty" and "his heart is ravished when you look at Him," just a picture of how God and the angels must look at sweet Anna Joy.
ReplyDeleteCrying for you today as I look at Anna's beautiful photo. I know one day you will hold all the answers that God already has, but until that day I pray He holds you both up each day as you walk this journey of faith.
ReplyDeleteMy dear friend, you showed us God's love and light yourself.
ReplyDelete" (how I saw Jesus bend and love her through my tummy before she was born, how it seemed Anna was looking at "someone" when she first opened her eyes after surgery, how angels were attending her, how she's been such a LIGHT for Christ... etc...)"
None of us can top that.
One thing I am thankful for is that you have so much family close. Selfishly, I wish you were still in Tennessee where I could love on you...but no one does a better job at that than family. I hate that you have had to travel this road...but I am thankful that you had so much family and church suport. That you were at the perfect hospital for Anna Joy. That you were able to experience a natural conception. (You know I can relate to those issues)I am thankful that you are getting a few breaks from the migraines. That God is helping you to count your blessings. There are so many things I am thankful for, for YOU. I am Very thankfull that God brought you into my life and that I was in some small way able to share this journey with you. I love you friend and I pray that God will continue to reveal His blessings and love to you in thousands of small ways. Through song, others, or any way imaginable.
Blessings
Anna experienced His face up close and personal - you and I both know that........and in the spiritual hidden realm, I know Anna saw and knew her Creator personally - His smell, the depth of His voice, His warm hands......the feel of the air from the movement of the angels wings - how they must have sparkled and glowed........Alissa, you and Matt were front row to pure Beauty - even if some of it was hidden from your earthly eyes - He was with you, and even in your continued sorrow, no one on earth can persuade you otherwise. I know you felt Him........and I know your heart longs to ask Anna those same questions - if she was looking at His face, into His eyes and watching the angels. My dear friend, His very hands continue to lay on your head and stroke your face, wiping tears - He is present, active, aware.......He loves you, and He cherished you, and He knows your grief. Breathe and crawl up in His lap for awhile. He knows you as deeply as He knows your daughter.
ReplyDeleteIn this moment I don't really know what to say (and I don't ever want to say the wrong thing) but I don't want to just say nothing at all so I will just start writing..."Little Light" is a heart wrenching song. The verse that squeezed my heart was, "Jesus bends to hear you breathe, And his tender hands are holding you tonight. And his heart is ravished when you look at him, and oh, the endless mercy in his eyes."...Oh, the endless mercy...Taking Anna Joy must not feel very merciful to you, but was it God's way of showing mercy to her? "Trust...Even in the times when we're not meant to understand." That is the hardest part because trusting can seem so taxing, especially when your heart, eyes, and whole spirit are SO tired! But believe Jesus is holding your little girl and she is HAPPY! She wants you to be happy too. In time, your pain will become more and more bearable. As a mom, I can't imagine it will ever just go away, but God is with you and He knows your pain. He knows your heart. I will continue to pray that God brings you comfort and even understanding. He doesn't have to leave us in the dark always...right? Let God's angels attend to YOU now. Let go and let them pamper you with God's love.
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