Monday, November 12, 2012

Still here...

There is so much happening that I don't know where to start most days, so I haven't been writing here. I write in my journals quite often, and talk to God almost constantly. But it's hard to start a new blog post most days. 

I'm still here. We are holding on, day by day... moment by moment.

October was especially difficult for me in my grief journey. I had some wrestling matches with God. Lots of questions and hurt and anger to process. And surrender... again. 

We're half way into November already, and I don't feel ready for it. We're approaching the one-year mark of Anna's birth, her 11 days with us, and letting her go. You can't plan for these things adequately; feelings are unpredictable. The weight of it is pressing in, down, around already.

Time keeps ticking even though I beg it to slow down. But it doesn't obey. So I take another  deep breath and hold on.

It's unbelievable that we're at this point. Most of my days have felt slow motion, so how have we come through nearly a whole year? On one hand, those days with Anna seem so long ago, but on the other hand, I can "be" there in a split second, like I'm living it again. The emotions, sick feeling in my stomach, exhaustion, and strange mix of hope and sorrow sweep over me. 

Please, please keep us in your prayers. We are at a fragile place. We ourselves are fragile. Our brains don't work sometimes. I am in tears at odd moments, and in a different world a lot of the time. 

I hope to write more often, even if the posts are short. We'll see...

Thank you to those who still check, care, and pray.


14 comments:

  1. There are angels among us, I pray for your family, for strength, and comfort thru this season of life.

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  2. Still here, still praying. Knowing that God's plan for you is perfect. A time of peace is coming. Not one that wipes everything clean but one that gets you through each day with hope because you know one day you will be together. Keep moving forward thru the process, feel what you feel, no oneit can tellyou you notgive to crycome or "getsays over it". no one that loves you expects more than what you are doing. The joy will come, its just going to be different, and thats ok. Prayers and hugs, been there

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  3. Still here and still loving you guys!

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  4. May the fragrance of sorrow which journeys with you be dispersed by breezes of joy, and may God's peace and the hope of seeing Anna Joy again bring you through this season dear Alissa and Matt. He collects your tears and keeps them in precious vessels, and while you remain in my prayers, and in my mind and heart, I know the Lord thinks of you constantly. His Word says so. ♥Kathy K

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  5. Still here. Always here. Right along side you. I get exactly what you are saying, and I felt (and continue to feel) exactly the same way. Time is a crazy mixed up thing now, isn't it? All my love to you, Matt, Isaac and Anna.

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  6. I'm honored to hold your hands in this long line of Kingdom people.......I won't let go. Don't let go of mine either.

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  7. Alissa, I thank you for your words. I was just thinking about you and your family and then saw you had a new post.
    I said a prayer for strength and for understanding tonight.
    Love you guys.

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  8. You are loved! Thank you for your inspiration. You have the most beautiful smile, Alissa, even in the pain! Thank you for helping me continue to choose joy!

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  9. I still pray for you all the time. I saw you at the homecoming concert but I know you don't know me and I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. But know that I prayed for you throughout that evening, through all those beautiful songs filled with promises.

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