loss for words...

by Matt Peppley

Right now I am at a loss for words. Of course, I say that and then I'll probably write several pages. Or I really will not write much because I really am slowing down. We'll see how it goes...

They took Anna off ECMO earlier today and she didn't tolerate it well at all. The doctors weren't surprised, given that there was still a lot of fluid on the lungs. Since Anna has lost a lot of the fluid everywhere else on her body, they think that the arteries going into the lungs are big enough, but veins exiting the lungs are not. Thus, the fluid is sorta becoming trapped in her lungs. So when they take her off ECMO, her lungs can't keep up with the demand for oxygen. Her heart is looking good, and is pumping correctly, but the problem is the lungs.

What does this mean? One of two things. 1) the veins are just "tired out" from all the work that has been done on her little body, and they will eventually open up as her body rests a little bit. Or 2) the veins just weren't made big enough. If #1 is correct, we will be able to continue to walk through the aforementioned woods and enjoy the pleasure of raising a beautiful little girl. If #2 is correct, well...there is nothing more that the doctors can do about that and we will lose our precious angel, Anna Joy.

So, we will wait a couple of days, and let her rest. They will do another trial off ECMO and see how she tolerates that. At that point, we should know if she is going to stay with us here on earth or not.

Of course, God could intervene at any time. There is still that option. The question is: will He? I believe He can, and I gotta believe that He will. Where the doctors fail, that means the only other option is for God to move in a miraculous way.

It's easy to say that, isn't it? It's another thing to actually believe it. Don't get me wrong, I still believe that God can move in Anna's body and make things work right, but I have to ask myself: why would He? God only knows how little I deserve to have a miracle in my life. I've screwed up more times than I care to count, so why would he chose to bless me?

That being said, I could probably get into dozens of philosphical discussions about those kind of questions. So to save you all from that kind of grueling talk, I'll skip to the end. After all is said and done, no matter the outcome of this whole situation, I'll still trust God. I won't have all the answers, and never will. Heck, I'll probably forget to ask Him those questions when I get to heaven (provided He allows me access...) because I won't care anymore. So for now, I'll just sit back, enjoy the time I have with my cute daughter, and savor each moment I can - just in case her life will end in a short amount of time.

Earlier today, Alissa and I sat in a room and stared at the walls, contemplating the next couple of days. Neither of us said much, knowing that right now the decision is out of our hands. Either God will step in and help our daughter to live, or He won't. At one point Alissa looked at me and said "how can you be so strong?" I shook my head, all the time knowing the answer. She answered her own question, though, and said "it's gotta be supernatural, right?" I smiled and said, "yes, it is."

By the way, thank you for the overwhelming response to Alissa's plea last night. Reading your comments last night and today have provided me with that supernatural strength that I just mentioned.